Adventures in eBay

Oh look. A birthday cake. Just like the one I didn't get. Moving on, we all know that you can get practically anything on eBay. I once saw someone trying to flog a plastic bag that was filled with air from inside the cinema at the premier of Mr & Mrs Smith. The major selling point, according to the pathetic twat who had listed it, was that a Mr Brad Pitt and Ms Big Lips Voight had expelled CO2 in that very auditorium and so whoever won the bag would own a 'piece' of said Hollywood shag partners. And some cretin had ACTUALLY BID ON IT!!!!!!!!!!

Aaanyway...as most people occasionally do, I like to browse the virtual auction rooms for bizarre and sometimes affordable pieces of obscure gaming tat. Indeed, most of the 'Yard's stock came from those hallowed pages. However, every now and then a few items appear that are truly special and here for your enjoyment are some of the less ubiquitous offerings (people listing copies of Soldier of Fortune with the phrase 'RARE!' in the heading have automatically been sent a vicious computer virus by the Junkyard's impossibly powerful Dreamcast powered artificial intelligence mainframe.) You have been warned.

Dreameye!

Cool - you probably wouldn't be able to use it these days, but it'd be nice to see one of these in the 'Yard. Not gonna happen in the near future though - I need a new coat.

System Shell!

Oh yes...If only these were more readily availible. Problem is - I aint payin £30 for it to get shipped from America.

Pad Converter!

Play your DC games with a PS pad? Sure! Probably not rare at all in the US, but here in Blightly anything with a blue swirl is as rare as rocking horse shit.

Wierd Transparent Keyboard!

Woah - how cool is this? It'd be even better if it had LEDs inside. I'm sure that with my electronics skillz I could manage it...Interesting.

Cool Black Gun!

Strangley, Sega didn't release their official light gun in the US because of fears surrounding gun crime. Even stranger is that the official Sega gun is big, white and looks nothing like a firearm. This Starfire gun is new to me and looks decidely more realistic, but still looks more like something out of Star Trek than a 'piece' off the streets of South Central L.A.

Further more, you can still "Suffer, like G did," but now in style!!

Dreamcast Vinyl!

Yes! now you too can emblazon your house with a vinyl Dreamcast Logo. According to the listing, the Dreamcast vinyl can withstand all kinds of weather conditions for 5 years! Just think - you could support the Dreamcast until 2011! Yay!

Bar Sign?!?!?!

Now, while you are never, ever going to see one of these in any bar (come to think of it, you wouldn't have seen one in a bar when the Dreamcast was still en vogue), I do think it looks pretty good...If only it didn't cost £30 for delivery.

On the subject of ripping out that orange LED and replacing it with a blue one, I went into Maplin yesterday and spent my entire dinner hour trying to explain to the very nice but English languagley challenged Indian gentleman what I wanted. When we finally agreed that I didnt want a solar powered torch or a potato powered alarm clock, it became apparent that they had no LEDs. Blue or otherwise. And this is supposedly Britain's premier electronic component outlet. Typical eh? Therefore, The Dreamcast Junkyard awards Maplin the first entry into the Dreamcast Junkyard Shit Pit of Shame. Be sure to read further nominations in coming posts.

Finally, look here for my review of Crazy Taxi 2. Your comments, as ever, are highly appreciated.

Stock Take

Now that the Dreamcast is hardly what you'd call 'popular,' the games are extremely cheap - and Gamestation are seemingly trying to get rid of their stock of DC related stuff as quickly as possible. One tactic employed is their 'BOGOF' promotion that I have harped on about in the past. That is, Buy One, Get One Free. Today saw the purchase of Tony Hawk's 2 and that yielded a free copy of Charge 'N' Blast to go with it.

So that, I'm sure you'll be extraordinarily delighted to know, brings the total games library of the Dreamcast Junkyard up to the rather spiffing number of 46!

These games are:
Charge N Blast, Slave Zero, Tony Hawks 2, Soul Fighter, Crazy Taxi 2, UEFA Dream Soccer, 4-Wheel Thunder, V-Rally 2, Sega GT, Hydro Thunder, Jet Set Radio, F1 World GP 2, Sega Rally 2, Rush 2049, F355 Challenge, Dead Or Alive 2, Super Runabout, Red Dog, Royal Rumble, Virtua Fighter 3, Rainbow Six, Episode 1: Racer, Unreal Tournament, Quake 3, Sonic Adventure, Hidden & Dangerous, Chu Chu Rocket, House of the Dead 2, Soldier of Fortune, MSR, Berserk, Virtua Striker 2, Incoming, Ready 2 Rumble Round 2, Worms Armageddon, Code Veronica, Shenmue, Carrier, Dave Mirra, NHL 2K, Soul Calibur, Revolt, F1 World Grand Prix, Ultimate Fighting Championship, WWF Warzone and Planet Ring (ungraded because I can't play it).

Key - Games I love; Games I think are alright; Games that should be sent to the Black Hole of Calcutta.

There also some other items, such as Quake (the original), the Megadrive Emulator with about 400 games on it, the VCD player, Utopia Boot Disk and 9 Dream On demo discs.

No new hardware to report since last round up but here is is:
Console (obviously), 2 Official Guns, 3 VMUs, Keyboard, Mouse, Microphone. The Dreamcast Junkyard must, however, report the sad loss of an item. One of the joypads featured in one of the first posts on the 'Yard was from a shop that is manned by neanderthals and seems to only ever be visited by tracksuit wearing cretins who reek of sweat and beer (see picture). The shop is called 'Cash Generator,' and the pad in question appeared to be in fine working order...that is until I tried to plug it in for some 4 player action...the bit on the end was all squashed and wouldn't go into the hole. Even my incredible skills of fixing stuff was no match for the ridiculous mal-treatment this poor pad had undergone in the hands of it's previous owner. Therefore it had to be put down (thrown in the bin). What this diatribe means is that I now only have 3 pads.

But I've got no friends anyway, so in your face cruel fate!!!

Lastly, I've also started writing reviews for the American multiformat retro-games website Defunct Games. Here are my first published reviews of UEFA Dream Soccer and F1 World Grand Prix 2. As always, let me know what you think.

Attic Attack

My dear old mother recently moved and decided that, whilst her black hole's worth of clutter and useless tat could go with her into the new house, the few meagre belongings that occupied her attic had to go back to their owner - me. After several phonecalls and answer machine messages (along the lines of "come and get all this shite out of my new house, you little cunt"), I finally went to retrieve my items and sort out what I wanted and what could go to the tip.

Here's what I managed to salvage from the carnage:

Sonic and (his cheeky young scamp of a friend) TailsA nice selection of Dreamcast related media texts and a launch magazineThe 'lid' for a VMU, so now one of my VMUs is complete!

It's amazing what you can find in an attic!

Inconspicuous

Like most people of a stable disposition, this gamer likes nothing more than a few beers. So last night (like on most Saturday nights), I found myself in a local hostelry partaking in much merry making. Imagine my suprise when I went in these toilets to relieve myself...

No - It wasn't the pristine condition of these Gents' that suprised me...It was the pattern on the wall tiles:That, my good man, is quite clearly a Dreamcast swirl!

The Dreamcast Junkyard: always alert!

D'oh!

That title won't make sense until you've read my scathing review of Virtua Shitkicker 2...

But for my sins, I just thought you might like this...it's not related to the Dreamcast in any way, but it is fantastic (and helps the title to make sense) - so there's at least one similarity! Enjoy!

In other news, Quake 3 Arena is just as fucking wicked as I suspected with the Mouse & Keyboard. I had played it with the joypad, and it wasn't too bad to begin with, but the M&K just adds a new dimension of playability and speed. It's easily the best compatible game I've got.
Game: 9/10 Control: 9/10

Oh...and rest assured, Half-Life will be here in the not-so-distant future!

I must also take this opportunity to thank all of you who read this blog on a regular basis - it'd be fuck all without you, so cheers!

New Stuff 2!

When it comes to Dreamcast games there are, in my opinion, 3 distinct catergories. The first catergory, for the purpose of this post, shall be named 'Common as Muck.' Games that fall into the 'Common as Muck' catergory are so numerous in duplicate that they are ubiquitous. Piles of shit such as Soul Fighter, Chu Chu Rocket* and Sonic Adventure*...the ones that everyone's got and that always turn up in second hand shops and at car boot sales.
The second catergory, that shall henceforth be known as "Where There's Muck There's Brass," lays claim to titles that whilst are many in number, are relatively hard to come by - Sega Exteme Sports, Evil Twin, Worms World Party and F1 World Grand Prix 2 for example.

However, there is a catergory that stamps on these two with a size 13 steel toe-capped rigger boot. A selection of Dreamcast games so rare and hard to come by (by chance, in a shop that is - eBay doesnt count!) that they have reached almost mythical status. The Triforce of the Dreamcast fraternity, if you will. Delights such as Shenmue 2...Sonic Adventure 2...Crazy Taxi 2...

Ladies and Gentlemen...let me introduce the newest entrant into the 'Yard:

CRAZY-MOTHERFUCKING-TAXI 2!!!

Yes, it's here...and it rocks. And to add to my near Class A state of ecstacy, I also got a copy of Quake 3 Arena free with it...

It's weird though, because the other day I was looking on eBay and I saw this:

I saved the picture for some reason, even though I had no use for it...maybe it was an omen.

*the 'pile of shit' comment only applied to Soul Fighter. The other two are fantastic games that are fully endorsed by The Dreamcast Junkyard.

Kewl Boarding

You may remember that right at the start of this blog, when the Dreamcast Junkyard was a wee nipper, I posted that I had acquired a mouse and keyboard combo from a jolly chap who went by the name of Mr E. Bay. Well, if my memory serves me that post was published waaay back on the 19th of December 2005 - nearly 3 months ago. Christ, doesn't time fly when your playing Dreamcast games and living just above the poverty line? Anyhow, it's taken me till now to actually try these things out properly with the games I have that are compatible. So, the question remains - Does using a keyboard and a mouse really make that much of a difference when playing said games?

Soldier of Fortune
If you've read my review of Soldier of Fortune, you'll know that I'm not necessarily it's biggest fan. Indeed, I'm currently masterminding a plan to hunt down and destroy every copy in circulation via means of a 10,000 strong army of invincible time travelling robots...much like the one that supplies Xzibit's voice. However, I digress. Saying that though, with a mouse and keyboard set up, Soldier of Fortune is very smooth to play. Still doesn't detract from the overall skankiness of this rushed PC conversion, but hey.
Game: 2/10, Control: 8/10


Hidden & Dangerous
Another slightly below par (shouldn't that be above par?) PC conversion - Hidden & Dangerous really comes into it's own with the keyboard and mouse. All of the complex team based commands are readily availible via the keyboard, and controlling your line of sight is made mcuh easier with a mouse. Good stuff.
Game: 6/10, Control: 8/10


Unreal Tournament
Now this is what I'm talking about. I recind my comments about Unreal Tourney being a bit crap in a recent post - with the joypad it is a little sluggish - but slam in a mouse and keyboard and you're cooking on gas. Wow - i didn't think it would make so much difference! Being able to quickly and simply swing the view through 360 degrees makes for some really great and tense firefights and is so much more intuitive that using the cumbersome joypad control. Top marks.
Game: (pre mouse) 5/10 (post mouse) 7/10, Control: 9/10


I also tried the set up with some games that, even though don't
have the icon on the back of the box, made sense that they may be compatible - these were Rainbow Six, Slave Zero, Worms Armageddon and Red Dog. Alas they were having none of it. Not even Soul Calibur works, a game famous for being compatible with the fishing rod! Pah.

There is a downside to all this though. While the mouse and keyboard is good if your console is on a desk - and lets be honest, who's is? (unless you're hooked up to a monitor via VGA) - it's pretty awkward trying to get stuff for it to sit on. As you can see from my pic, I had to arrange a sort of orchestra of chairs to play in any reasonable state of semi-comfort. Furthermore - because you have to use 3 ports (mouse, keyboard, joypad with VMU plugged in), any chance of split screen is out of the window...although you'd need to be playing in the Banquet Hall at the Palace of Versailles to have enough room for you, the controls and a some mates.

Finally - on this evidence alone, Quake 3 Arena WILL be making an appearance in the next 24 hours. Verdict to come.

Tissues and Issues

Here's a must have item for any discernable Dreamcast fan who happens to have either an inevitable case of H5N1 avian flu; or be going through a barren patch when it comes to the delights of the fairer sex...

Favouritism

For various reasons, there are some Dreamcast titles that were never released in foreign territories. In some cases, it is fairly obvious that the subject matter of the game in question probably wouldn't go down too well in a country other than that it originated it - a perfect case in point would be the massive market in Japan for dating games. For some reason, I just can't see Sentimental Graffiti 2 getting too high in the games chart in the UK - a game in which you must (apparently) dash across the city in an attempt not to be late for a big date.

However, Sega have made some really wierd choices when choosing
which American games not to release in Europe and vice versa. First up is this: Who Wants To Beat Up a Millionaire? - a game I'd never actually heard of until today. It appears to be a parody of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? (a game that was pretty cack), but from the reviews I've read online seems to be actually rather good.

Likewise, there are some UK games that were never given a US launch, but - and this is a big BUT - these games were some of the best ever made for the Dreamcast. Headhunter, for example - was the DC's pseudo-answer to Metal Gear...a simply awesome game in which you played a bounty hunter called Jack Wade and had to get around a huge fictional city on a motorbike, before breaking into warehouses and the like and having gun battles with terrorists. Got about three quarters through it and got rid off it a few years ago. Now I'll probably have to pay through the nose to buy it back again.

Similarly, and even stranger, Shenmue 2 was never given an official US release. Why? Who knows.

Lawsuit Imminent 2: This Time It's Personal

OK, so you've probably heard all the rumours about Sega planning to start selling refurbished Dreamcast units again on their Japanese website, complete with a phone card (?!) or something equally ridiculous. Great news, I'm sure you'll agree. However, wouldn't it be cool if the system was relaunched in some of the following flavours...

XBOXCAST

CUBECAST!WORST NIGHTMARECAST!!

...just to piss off the other console manufacturers? And why stop there? Come on Sega - lets have some CDi- and Jagcasts too!

Sublime Idiocy

Anyone remember that semi-decent Jude Law film eXistenZ from a few years back? What you probably didn't know is that Sega sponsored it's cinema release here in the United Kingdom in order to expose the Dreamcast to a wider audience. Want proof? Here you go:
What do you mean you can't see the Dreamcast logo? Look just under the big 'Z.' That is a Blue Dreamcast swirl, my good (wo)man*. Clear as day, that. Nice one Sega.

Also, top marks for sponsoring a film where everyone who plays games turns into a HOMICIDAL MANIAC with MENTAL PROBLEMS.

*Gotta be politically correct these days...but lets be honest, if there's a single female reading this page, I'll eat my own scrotum.

Lawsuit Imminent

You may have seen this before, but it's still an interesting piece of kit - it's the Treamcast. It's a 100% totally unofficial Dreamcast clone that features a built in LCD screen and VCD player. Apparently, Sega arent too happy with it's very existence and so it is becoming quite a desirable piece of kit because there's a chance it won't be around for much longer. However, with Sega's budget only able to afford Lionel Hutz, don't quote me on that.

I don't have one myself, these are merely pictures robbed off Google. I'm not too sure about those pads though...they look like Saturn pads, and where does the VMU go? If you'd like to know more about this curiosity, please click here to read a hardware review courtesy of Devcast, an awesome site dedicated to the modification and surgical enhancement of Dreamcast hardware.

They Think It's all Over...Oh, it is. 4 years ago.

As I looked longingly at my housemate's copy of Pro Evolution Soccer 5, I found myself not only crying inside, but also pondering: Why are all the football games on the Dreamcast shite? There isn't a single decent footy game on the DC. Virtua Striker 2: WANK; Dream Soccer: WANK; European Super League: ABHORRENT. So, here as evidence are exhibits A, B, C, D and E to support my claim that the Dreamcast has the worst football games of any console ever released.

Exhibit A: Virtua Striker 2

Ok, so it's an arcade port...but why port an unplayable abomination like this? Even when you're playing it in the pub after several pints of Stella, this is still crap. You can't change the view, there is that awful "swoosh" noise when you tackle another player, commentary consists of "GOOOOOOAL!" The graphics are decent, but the rest is as comparable to real football as Peter Jackson's King Kong is to a trip to Knowsley Safari Park.

Exhibit B: European Super League

It has 16 teams. There is no commentary. It is unplayable. It has graphics like a Master System game. Do me a favour.

Exhibit C: 90 Minutes
Ho ho...this is so bad it's actually good!!! God, where do I start with 90 Minutes? I don't think my vocabulary is wide enough to fully describe how horrific 90 Minutes is...it's even got spelling mistakes and the grammar on the options screen is as if it has been translated from Japanese, to Ancient Greek, to fucking Klingon and then into English. Awesomely bad.

Exhibit D: UEFA Dream Soccer
OK, so its not as bad as the others listed here, but whats with the Benny Hill style running animation? Also - if you line up a shot at goal, the player spins round and kicks in the opposite direction...but the ball still flies toward the goal! Terrific. How did they miss that in playtesting...come to think of it, how did they miss the rest of the shit enclosed within this GD-Rom? And a woman commentating on football? SACRELIDGE! She's only there to look at "Bavid Deckhum"'s arse.

Exhibit E: Worldwide Soccer 2000
Not, as I was hoping, an update of the Earth shattering Saturn footy game Sega Worldwide Soccer '97. No, it's actually an update of smelly PSX footy game World League Soccer. It's even got the same commentary, poo graphics and cheap scoring methods. Silicon Dreams, you are the games developing equivalent of Andy Capp, you lazy gits.

Exhibit F: Worldwide Soccer: Euro Edition
The same as 2000, but with the most contradictory name since the
American baseball league decided to call it's premier competition the World Series.

Exhibit G: Xzibit
Oh Dear. His real name is Alvin Joiner and that's not his real voice...a 12 foot robot was sent back in time from the year 2376 and stands behind him in stealth mode - Alvin moves his mouth and the robot speaks. Tragic.


So there you have it. While the Dreamcast kicks a veritable black hole of arse when it comes to other sports* - Ice Hockey (NHL 2K), Nascar (Daytona), Tennis (Virtua Tennis 2), Athletics (ESPN Track & Field), F1 (F1 World Grand Prix 2), NFL (NFL Blitz), Rally (Sega Rally 2) and even squashing mice into a rocket before a huge cartoon cat gets them (Chu Chu Rocket)...it absolutley stinks when it comes to football. Bah.

Heres hoping the Dreamcast 2 gets the footy game it deserves.

* I've left out WWF Royal Rumble simply because I find the girth of Kurt Angle's neck morally wrong.

Also, many thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday on Saturday 4th March. Click here to see how many cards I got!

Totally Ridiculous Comparisons: No. 1

Seeing as today is my birthday (24 years old no less - and still playing games *tsk*), The Dreamcast Junkyard would like to use this joyous occasion to introduce the first in a new series of review based features: Totally Ridiculous Comparisons. Yes, as the name so cheekily hints at, this involves comparing two games that shouldnt really ever occupy the same sentence - let along be thrown into a 6 ft deep, shite filled pit together and ordered at gun point to scratch each others eyes out, pull each others hair and generally be unkind to each other.

First up:

Ferrari F355 Challenge Versus Star Wars Episode 1: Racer*

*This is mainly because they were bought at the same time (F355 came free with Racer), but I thought it would be fun anyway. So, how do they compare Monsieur?

Graphics

F355 is a graphical marvel. It looks so realistic it's frightening. I will however refrain from using the phrase 'so realistic you can smell the exhaust fumes,' for fear of being mistaken for a staff writer on an actual magazine. Tracks are gorgeous, cars are lovingly re-created and, well it's just generally lovely. No complaints here.

Racer is a blatant port of the PC/N64 version. While it has a higher frame rate and resolution than the Nintendo variant, it appears to be practically identical to the PC one. This doesn't mean it sucks, but it looks quite basic in comparison to F355. It moves at a fair old pace, though - and the tracks are quite imaginitive and stuffed full of detail. Some pretty dodgy textures in places though.

Winner: F355

Sound

Hmm, F355 is a mixed bag really. Has some excellent engine effects - really meaty and powerful sounding - just like a real Ferrari (I'd imagine, never having heard one in real life), BUT THAT MUSIC?! Jesus H. Christ...what is it? It sounds like a rock medly is about to kick in, but then some sort of Radio DJ pops up talking shite. I turned it down just incase one of my house mates heard it and thought I was into White Snake.

Cracking intro music - very rousing. Music on the menu screens is replaced with background noise from the Canteena where the game hub is based. In-game orchestral music is very subtle but seems to build up and get louder just as something good happens...I can't really describe it - maybe it's just coincidence that the music gets louder when you're battling for first place...but it does. Sound effects are top class too.

Winner: Racer

Gameplay:

This is horrible. There are so many driving assists it hurts. Granted, you can turn them off if you so wish but that just makes this twat of a game even worse. There is only the one in car view aswell (I know this is due to the 3 screen arcade heritage), which makes it hard to judge the virtual size of the rest of your vehicle and its dimensions on the track. This makes it difficult to hug a right hand turn because the F355 is left hand drive and you can't see where the right side of the car ends. Also: this game is way too hard. Yawn. Next.

Racer is like a polar opposite of F355. It's easy to pick up and play and is actually very enjoyable. Tight controls, excellent track design. No major problems.

Winner: Racer

Longevity:

You'l play F355 maybe 3 times before you realise it is impossible to a) win or b) complete a lap without finishing it in 7th or 8th place. Some stuff to unlock, but it'l be back on the shelf before you realise (or care).

Loads of tracks and vehicles to unlock. Great career mode and lots of upgrades to purchase with your hard won Trugguts. You'll be playing for ages.

Winner: Racer

Overall - F355: 1 Racer: 3

In the immortal words of Alan Sugar (or Donald Trump for our American readers) F355 - You're Fired. Here's your P45...Now get the fuck out of my face.

If you you can stomach reading even more bollocks about these two, check out my reviews of F355 here and Racer here

Next Time: Mr Thomas B. Clancy's Rainbow Six Versus Mr Bruno Bonnell's V-Rally 2! I can't wait...

Now though, I'm off to celebrate getting another year closer to my inevitable coffin by drinking unholy ammounts of beer and taking as many drugs as I can buy with the money from my pawned Dreamcast games. See you all in A & E!

Picture Overload!!!

When rose fingered Dawn swept across the sky this morning, I awoke to find that it had snowed overnight, turning this hell hole into something of a magical winter wonderland. As other people prepared to make snow angels and snowmen, I used my initiative and creativity to produce this: A Snowcast!
I've started noticing that there are quite a few PSP ads popping up too.
I saw this one and others like it on my way to work...

Then I turned a corner and saw this fucking behemoth plastered on the side of a building:

Now thats what I call advertising. Now, this is just a theory, but I reckon that if Sega had done something like this with the Dreamcast instead of this:Or this

then it might have lasted more than three poxy years. It wasn't all bad today though. At dinner time I prised myself away from my desk and forced myself outside. I wandered into a well known city centre goth-athon called 'Affleck's Palace' and found an original Pac Man arcade cabinet! Even better still, tucked away next to it was an original Sega Rally cabinet, complete with steering wheel and pedals. I had a quick go on it, but the years away from the awesome Saturn version have made me rusty and I was getting nowhere near my old personal best of about 48 seconds on the Desert track (with the Celica...the Lancia is a pig). Oh well.

Still a great game though, but it has to be the most uncomfortable-to-play arcade cabinet of all time...you have yo use pedals and stand up? Ridiculous!

I may be some time...

I mentioned earlier this week that I had had two new entrants in the 'Yard. The first, Unreal Tournament, left me cold. Not just chilly, but freezing - Captain Oates style . I've heard great things about it and have observed an aquaintance play it online (granted it was about 5 years ago, on the PC), but having sampled it's 'delights' for myself, I will make the following statement to the first person I bump into on the way to work in the morning - "It's Shite." And yes, that was a capital 's.' It's not that it's a bad game...it's just a bit, well, pointless. It's the Dreamcast equivalent of Turok: Rage Wars but -get this - NOT AS GOOD!

Quite.

The other new contestant faired slightly better. Ladies and Gentlemen, say Hello to Rush 2049! I have to admit that I've fallen in love with this game, which is strange because the technician who manufactured me said my cold mechanical heart could never know true love and then slapped me across the face with an old slipper. Aaaanyway, moving ever so swiftly on, I've finally written a review of Rush 2049 and it can be found...

Here.

Also, I'm still on the quest to change that LED, but I need to get a soldering iron first and seeing as baked beans (see right) are cheaper and more essential to maintaining basic life functions than a soldering iron, the project may be delayed by a week. Or maybe two. It will not be a Wembley Stadium sized delay though, and is unlikely to cost the British taxpayer several million pounds. Thank you for your co-operation.