Fishy Tails...
And what better 'game' could the aspiring creationist despot recourse to than... 'CAUTION SEAMAN'?
Having purchased a microphone without knowing its use, I stumbled across an IGN blog featuring a picture of a fish-man creature, like the ones in Monty Python's 'Meaning Of Life'. On further inspection I discovered this to be the US/Japan only 'Caution Seaman' (At one point the most popular and eagerly awaited piece of software in that particulary technologically advanced of nations- Japan that is...)
So with time on my hands and money to burn, I scoured Ebay, got my Utopia disc and ordered 'Seaman' from a US software company. I then whisked it away to my Lighthouse and started to explore... The first delight was that Mr. Spock was included in the box... That's right the wonderful Leonard Nimoy, actor, bon viveur and well frankly...Vulcan, was to be my guide in giving birth to and nurturing my fishy friend.
The next was a delightfully entertaining piece of bullshit in the shape of the mannual, which spun a well thought out yarn about a French Scientist/Archaeologist called Dr. Jean-Paul Gasse having discovered a living Seaman in Alexandria, Egypt at the turn of the century. Although the specimen had died before the good doctor could attain fame or recognition, now, through electrickery, the good folks at Vivarium Software and a bit of DC magic, I too could raise and evolve a living Seaman (in the telly of course, not in real life.)
I eagerly loaded up the game, verily stiffening "downstairs" with anticipation. I was met with a food store, a pleasant aquarium environment (in which I had to maintin, heat, light and oxygen levels.) With a little hand, (much like Jeremy Beadle's), visually floating outside of the Aquarium, I could drop in food, tap the glass and most importantly drop in my Seaman egg. After a bought of pulsating and squirming several little sperm like creatures known as 'Mushroomers' burst forth from the egg. These spermy globules just bobbed about until they were fucking eaten by a previously unnoticed squid like creature laying dormant at the bottom of the tank, hidden in a shell. Bastard! I thought the whole experience was over, until the hapless crustacean started to jerk and convulse and in floods of ink, spat out half a dozen little Seamen (known as Gillmen) and then promptly died! HA! Sqidkind 0- Krishna 6! Take that you murderous Octopede!
Leonard (we were getting pretty tight at this juncture) told me I should converse with the little fishies, which replied in a babylike gurgle, but after what seemed like literally days, (it was literally days...) they began to respond in a child-like American voice (creepy.) The first thing mine said when I was tickling them with my little cyber hand (stay with me..) was " Stop or I'll fart!" and then even more alarmingly "Bad Touch! Bad Touch!" (You're meant to tickle them honest- read the mannual before you call the NSPC/RSPCA... )
Over time my fishy-boy pets evolved into a weighty carp-men with deep and laconic baritone voices. My favourite, Robbie (named after the iconic Robbie Fowler) asked me my age, birthday, occupation and other facts which he remembered and recounted to me. He was rude and obnoxious, sarcastic and cynical. He called me "skinbag" and "fuzzy", told me to "Go away!" said he was mad at me and when I asked him for a kiss ( I was alone on a light house for chrissakes!!!!) He replied "What? Put this tongue in that mouth?!" Fucking charming....
Eventually the 'game' presented me with a Vivarium (insect hatchery) to breed caterpillar things to feed my greedy pike, and I felt that it was getting intense (or as intense as a game played over a month at five minute intervals can get) and then just before it was about to grow legs and evolve into the frog like silhouette seen on the sign on the game box, I murdered it! Killed the fucker stone dead! Well how was I to know that resetting the timer on my DC would cause the games internal memory to think I hadn't fed it or heated up the tank for six years? Jesus! Thanks for the pointer Leonard! I repeated the process another two times utilising my Treamcast when my TV at home wouldn't accept the Utopia disk. But it just wasn't the same... In the end I just let it die for a third time and called it a day. But my memories of spanking my seamen, tickling my trout and letting my spermy shroomers float about on the top of my bath water will live with me forever. Oh well, that's it. I'm off to play something quick, easy and that only lasts a lunchtime...my beloved Shenmue 2.
P.S. This is only a hasty recount of the epic tome that was my original post before I clicked on the wrong option on the Blog and wiped out about an hours worth of typing and uploading pictures forever. Bastard! This posting shit is not as easy as TLC and the Gagaman make it look! Adieu Yardites...until next time...
And you are...?
So without further ado, Ladies and Gents, please welcome The Dreamcast Junkyard's newest team member - Father Krishna!
Father Krishna promises to bring reviews, tales of Dreamcasting adventures and (hopefully) a whole truckload of bullshit to the 'Yard. So, business as usual then.
FOR EXAMPLE:
Whilst taking the aformentioned piss earlier this evening, I noticed something familiar about the bog-roll holder next to the shit throne:
Dreamcast Megamix (and YouTube onslaught)
Until I get time to actually write up another article here, here's a video I made just last week out of all the clips of DC game footage so far. There are 52 games featured in this video (53 if you count the one you can hear but not see at the start), and none of them are of FMV scenes, just the in-game goodness. The music used is from Sonic Rush, which sadly is not a Dreamcast game, but would have been if the DS was in fact a Dreamcast in a very clever disguise.
And because I constantly check the Search:Dreamcast in order of last posted age of Youtube, here's a link collection of the most interesting posts by people recently:
Power Stone has it's own Japanese cartoon, complete with naff theme tune. What, you didn't know?
Just when you thought you'd seen it all with Soul Calibur, here comes a documentary on how the game becomes a natural reflex. "It's the true test of manhood." Kudos, Dr. Rek, Kudos.
Remember any good British commercials for Dreamcast games? neither do I, but I never saw this one.
Ulala lives. I'm serious, there is no why this girl can NOT be Ulala herself.
Not exclusively DC related, but this Sega tribute inspiried me to make Dreamcast Megamix. Will bring a tear to your eye (or was it just me?)
Would you believe that this Homebrew game (which has a DC port) is in fact based on the Quake engine?
Someone playing Shenmue music on a Piano. Nuff said.
Girls play Dreamcast too! Well,it IS Bust-a-Move.
Because closing the Dreamcast lid takes SO much effort, someone has modded one with a close function.
Let There be Light(guns)
And lo, House of the Dead 2 was spewed forth unto the world like so much bile from the gullet of a 16-day old corpse, and it was good. So good infact, that Sega didn't give us another lightgun game for about 3 millennia...
At this juncture, I'd like to share with you a small musing I had earlier on. Bear with me. Anyone played Knife Edge on the N64? It was a pathetically bad 'lightgun' game...on a console without a gun. Now - if I had a) the intelligence; or b) the inclination to invent an N64 lightgun, and plug it into said 1920's themed console (it's pure art deco), would Knife Edge have the ability to recognise the lightgun? Hmmm. It's like that shit about the tree falling in the forest and nobody being around to hear it. Anyway, back to the real world (sigh).
Yes, after all the zombie blasting and enduring the horrendous dialogue of HOTD2 (who can forget such ambiguous gems as "Die - like G did," and "Don't come" (Snigger)), Sega rewarded us with:
Confidential Mission!
Yep, the newest entrant into the Junkyard is here - gleaming and shiny like a new 2 penny piece cast adrift in a particularly watery dollop of dog shit. However, in direct contrast to the evil, murderous, death-dealing shennanigans that go on within Confidential Mission, the circumstances surrounding the game's arrival in the 'Yard bring a tear to the eye. For, you see, Confidential Mission was donated to the cause by long time reader, supporter, and indeed commentator of this very blog - Father Krishna. Father Krishna - fellow Mancunian, Dreamcast lover and owner of the only Dreamcast collection visible from space - discovered that he, in his all knowing omniprescence, actually owned TWO copies of CM...and the rest is (recent) history.
But how does CM play? As you've probably already guessed after reading all the preceding guff, CM is - gasp - a lightgun game! The second one after HOTD2 infact. And it's a fucking stormer. After completing HOTD2 something like a bazillion times, it's refreshing to actually get to shoot some real-life peeps, and not already-dead buffoons with Sugar Puffs for teeth. But I'm jumping the gun (arf!).
In CM, you play as the decidedly un-heroically named Howard Gibson - a recent graduate from the James Bond school of smoothness. Armed only with a pistol, you set off (with your lovely blonde partner, Jean Clifford) on a 'confidential mission' to stop an evil genius (Agares) holding the world to ransom with a hijacked military satellite laser. Playing like Virtua Cop on anabolics, CM is big, brash and loud. It has great visuals and the game takes you through some really cool environments with loads of stuff to shoot and civilians WHO GET IN THE FRIGGING WAY. Ahem. Similarly to Virtua Cop, it features terrorists to cap and also the familiar green reticules that appear around an enemy and slowly turn red before he fires. An interesting feature in CM is the 'Justice Shot,' whereby if you manage to blow the gun out of an enemy's hand, he will surrender, thus furnishing you with more points. I don't bother with that though - I just shoot to kill. Maybe I'll try to get a job with the Metropolitan Police...
Confidential Mission is fairly short lived compared to HOTD2 and doesn't feature alternative routes through the levels (of which there are only 3), but it does offer some brilliant variations on the usual 'shoot, shoot, shoot' mentality of the genre. For example, during the second mission you hang upside down from the roof of a speeding train and as such must play that section from an upside down point of view. Also, to break up the monotony Confidential Mission throws in the odd time-limited task, such as firing blobs of glue at air vents to stop deadly gas from filling the room. Ace.
Like I said, CM isn't a massive game, but it features a great training academy filled with Point Blank style mini-games (above), and also a mode called 'Another World' where you play through the arcade mode but enemies appear randomly. An added bonus also appears in the manual - the page footer reads "The last trump for the peace of the world." Righty-ho.
So, all in all, a fantastic post-pub blast that breathes new life into the old dual Dreamcast lightguns (Health Warning: Playing with dual guns is only for the most hardened Dreamcaster. Do not attempt if you are of a weak disposition). Sadly, upon inserting the Microphone you still can't take Private Hudson's advice and use 'harsh language,' but you can't have everything:
And once again, many thanks to Father Krishna for supplying it to the 'Yard.
Oh, and through playing Confidential Mission, I think I may have stumbled on something that is as Earth-shatteringly amazing as playing Soul Calibur with a fishing rod. Watch this space...
Inferiority Complex
Now, we've mentioned the embryonic Nintendo Revolution (or Wii, as I refuse to call it) previously here at the Dreamcast Junkyard - namely in The Gagaman's superb hit-attracting Soul Calibur-with-a-fishing-rod experiment. Now I'm going to mention it again. To be totally honest, the Wii (cringe) is definatley the console I'm most looking forward to in the Next, Next, Next Generation of hardware simply because of that brilliant controller/remote thingy, and the fact that the system's overall appearance is - let's face it - cool as fuck. Cooler, infact, than Samuel L. Jackson sitting in a deck chair made of ice whilst sipping a Bud Ice and staring out over the perfect and untouched Ice Deserts of Ganymede. A first for a Nintendo system, I'm sure you'll agree. But enough waffle. Look at these shots:
They're of a game entitled 'Elebits,' that looks to me like some sort of Pikmin style affair but set in a giant house. The striking thing is that it all looks a bit Toy Commander to me (in that it...erm...features small things in a kitchen)...but with graphics THAT AREN'T AS GOOD:
That's right folks - a game on a console TWO generations after the annihilation of the Dreamcast...with INFERIOR GRAPHICS than a 1999 LAUNCH TITLE!!!!
Put that one in your pipe and smoke it!
***Disclaimer: If you are a Nintendo fan boy, please don't leave messages on here about how I'm a cunt/idiot/fuck head etc. I know this already. Thank you for your cooperation.***
The Dreamcast Rap
Sega Lass Phishing
Today though, imagine my suprise when I discovered this in my inbox:
Not quite sure what this add-on does, but I'm pretty certain it wasn't released in the PAL territories.
Oh, and kudos to DK for finding it :D
Common Themes in Dreamcast-Land
San Francisco
Ah yes, the city with all those steep roads and palm trees. Firstly, we have the superb Crazy Taxi. Super Runabout, a game that plays very much like Crazy Taxi (only with more modes of transport and lousy controls) is also set there. San Francisco Rush 2049 is set in a futuristic (and somewhat void of human life) version of the place, but is still San fran none the less, and then there’s the first level in Sonic Adventure 2, which was also directly inspired by the city. I've also been reminded that the city also features (in great detail, but like Rush 2049, rather empty) in MSR.
Michael Jackson
Until Sega's last console came and went, the freaky ex-pop star had only made an appearance in one game, the Mega Drive title Moonwalker, based on his film of the same name. On the Dreamcast, however, he has popped up a few times in very unexpected places. He first popped up out of nowhere near the end of Space Channel 5, in which you save him from aliens so he can join your posse. In Space Channel 5: Part 2, he is part of your team from the very beginning, and has more of his trademark moves. He also begged Midway to add him to the line up of Ready to Rumble: Round 2, although I can’t really imagine him being all too tough in a real fight, to be honest. Finally, he had a unofficial appearance in 102 Dalmatians. Well, I think it’s him.
Fish
Yes, there have been fishing games in the past on many other formats, but thanks to Sega's rather clever Fishing controller, the Dreamcast sports quite a big collection of them. It all started with Sega Bass Fishing. followed by it's much superior follow-up Sega marine Fishing, as well a aproper, but dull as hell, sequel in the console's dying days with Sega Bass Fishing 2. While us Brit's only got one of these titles, the rest of the world not only got these 3 Sega games, but a few third-party titles as well, although these were more of the simulator breed, so they would be no interest to anyone under the age of 60 anyway. These games included Reel Fishing Wild and Fish Eyes Wild, for the record. Who wants to sit there waiting for the miserable sods to bite when you can have Mako sharks falling over each other to have a nibble of your bait in Marine Fishing? It doesn't' end there though, as Fish have popped up in two more games. Sonic Adventure featured the excruciating fishing levels starring Fat-Arse the cat, that may of been a bit mode enjoyable if you could play them with the fishing controller, and finally we have the only fish on the system that you don't have to yank out of the water to weigh, Seaman, the talking, (eventually) walking fish with a miserable boat face and additude to boot. Thought fishing was sad? Try talking to a mutant fish about Evolution and Politics! Speaking of Sonic and Fishing, look below for images of Sonic being tossed out for the fishes is Sega bass!
Bruce Lee knock-offs
This is actually a trend I’ve noticed in most popular fighting games series’, not just on Dreamcast, but I need more than three common themes in over wise this post will look rather spineless. We’re talking about the characters with the same squawky voice, same muscle-bound but skinny body, same eyebrows and sometimes even a pair of nun chucks, all of which the king of kung-fu were known for. On the Dreamcast alone we have Capcom’s Fei-Long in Super Street Fighter IIX and Street Fighter Alpha 3, Jann Lee in Tecmo’s Dead or Alive 2, Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat Gold, and Maxi in Soul Calibur. That’s not even including characters that share his same fighting techniques, just the ones that act and look a bit like him as well.
Note to self: never write an article in Word processor then try to copy it into Blogger. This post took so long to tinker with it should be illegal.
www.thedreamcastjunkyard.tk
www.thedreamcastjunkyard.tk
into your browser! Or just by clicking on the above link. The 'Yard is still being hosted by Blogger.com and as such will also retain the usual blogger URL, but I just thought it'd be easier if I got a proper domain name. As .tk was extremely cheap (read: Free), I just thought I'd claim it.
If you wanna register your own free .tk domain, check out www.dot.tk for further info. Peace out.
*Update: I removed the Hyphons!*
Money to burn...
Before you wander into your local tatoo parlour with a page ripped from a magazine and demand the artist copy a 1:1 scale schematic of the Dreamcast onto your face, have a little look at this beauty:
It's a wristwatch that is modelled in the shape of a Dreamcast! When closed, it resembles a little chrome coloured console, but pop the GD-lid and inside you'll find a fully functioning analogue clock face, complete with Dreamcast logos!
You can sort of get an impression of the dimensions of the thing from the photos, and I think it's quite a cool bit of kit - but why launch it now, so long after the console's mainstream demise? Even more puzzling...why make the thing in the first place?! You don't see people walking around wearing chrome PS2s or Xboxes on their wrists...
According to Playasia.com, it costs about $130 (which is about £70 in real money). If you want one, you clearly have more money than sense, but go there now to avoid inevitable disappointment. It looks like it's only availible from 29th September, but i presume there's some kind of pre-order list.
Legless
Ladies and Gents, allow me to introduce Rayman. Yes, this weekend I finally lifted my eBay embargo and purchased Rayman 2 for the varicose vein bursting price of 99p. Yep, ninety nine new pence. Lets look at what else you can get for 1p less than a pound, just to highlight the fucking awesomeness of this transaction:
- 9 bags of Space Raiders and 9 penny chews
- 2 and a half copies of The Mirror
- 2 cartons of Sainsbury's Basics UHT skimmed milk
- NOTHING from the local Pound Shop
Anyhow, back to Rayman 2.
Quite simply one of the best platformers I have ever, ever, ever played. Not as good as Mario 64 mind, but still very much in the same ball park. From the sublime visuals, to the massiveness of the quest, to the pure playability - Rayman 2 is superb. It's also rather relaxing - you get to run around, solve simple puzzles, shoot shit with balls of energy and float about using Rayman's helicopter hair. Great fun.
I vaguely recall Rayman on the Atari Jaguar and it was one of only a handfull of games that was actually worth playing on it - for those who are interested, my other games (the word 'games' is used in the loosest possible terms, you understand) consisted of Club Drive, Fever Pitch Soccer and Trevor McFur in the Crescent Galaxy...so you can probably see why Rayman sticks in the mind.
The best thing about Rayman 2 though, is that it was obviously a labour of love on Ubisoft's part. The game is literally stuffed to the rafters with detail. In the early levels, little hornets with massive noses buzz about whilst the toasdstools huddle in groups and stack themselves up to amuse themselves. Run through long grass and a cacophony of butterflies will erupt and scatter into the sky, and if you leave the joypad alone Rayman will pull faces at the camera or play basketball with his body. The graphical style of the game is totally unique on the Dreamcast, being set in a sort of cartoon world that also has some slightly sinister undertones. Like I said - one of the best games I've played on the Dreamcast thus far.
Rayman 2 was released on nearly every format around, including the N64 and PSX, and I also remember that Ubi ran a brilliant advertising campaign for the game in the US press (I admit it...it was me who bought that single copy of EGM back in 2000). It compared a fat guy in a vest called Ray to Rayman...and was smile inducing, rather than tear inducing like the rest of the typical American-style adverts that make up 98% of US mags:
Lastly, I feel a special mention must go to the manual. Every single page is full colour and it appears to have had the same amount of time spent on it - look at the illustrations and stuff accompanying the blurb:
If only all manuals were as well produced as this.
Overall?
Rayman 2 should be sought out by all platform fans - and even if you rarely give platform adventures a second look (like yours truly), break the habit and give it a spin.
Want more Rayman you nutter? Go here to view every version of every Rayman game ever released, from the 'edutainment' bullshit to the great-looking Japanese version of Rayman 2:
Gaymue
Initial impressions are very positive. If you've never played Shenmue 2 (how it was meant to be played - on a Dreamcast (Xbox doesn't count I'm afraid)), it's much more of a spectacle than the first game ever was. The graphics appear much more vibrant, the locations are simply massive (bigger than any of Shenmue's) and the music is pretty decent - much more modern and 'dancey' than the string based tunes of the original.
So far so good - I've had my bag stolen, kicked some ass to get it back, been humiliated in an arm wrestling contest, met a fit bird on a motorbike, and got a small dingy room in a back street 'guest house.' My only bugbear is that I've had all my money nicked, so must shuffle around the harbour and surrounding districts grovelling at shops for a part time job...just to pay the fucking $38-a-night rent on the shit hole room I call home. It's just a tad to close to reality for my liking...
I wonder if it's possible to get ridiculously pissed in an attempt to forget about my woes, then collapse in a heap contemplating suicide when the money's all gone. Hmmm.
Anyhow, this post was intended to bring something more interesting to light: Ryo's sexual preference. Before you leave in disgust, uttering "freak" under your garlic breath - hear me out. We all know the jokes about Ryo running around Dobuita searching for sailors (whilst constantly rejecting Nozomi's blatant attempts to get a shag) in Shenmue 1. Come on, laugh it out.
But check this out:
Here is the front of the cardboard sleeve of the PAL version of Shenmue 2. Very artsy I'm sure you'll agree. Note Joy sticking her tits out (the bird on the left), and the lovely waterfall on the right. All well and good. Apart from the title font, which is a bit shit:
Now, here is the cover of the actual CD case that goes inside the cardboard sleeve. Notice anything strange? Well, for starters the two women have been given the elbow...and note the position of Ryo and the dude in the bandana...
They've been mirrored - and even stranger - look at the position of Ryo's hand (helpfully outlined in red, just in case you don't know what a 'hand' is):
The guy's belt is even positioned so it looks like it's being pulled down by Ryo's wandering hand!
You can just about make it out in the above picture (my mega-budget camera, as previously divulged, is about as useful as a salmonella infested Cadbury's chocolate fireguard), but if you're one of the 7 people on Earth who own this game, go on - have a look!
Sega - you've been sussed! Ryo bats for the other team! Not that the Dreamcast Junkyard cares of course, being the multi-cultural, multi-faith, multi-racial, multi-er-sexuality set up that we are...(***lawsuit threat level reduced from Critical to Moderate***)
Sega Vs Vee. The rally games.
a) Didn't have time.
b) Wasn't sure how to go about said articles.
c) Couldn't be arsed.
But that's all behind us now, as here I am in a desperate bid to update you on my DC gaming experiences of the last few weeks. One of these includes the purchise of V-Rally 2: Expert Edition. I did pick this up at a boot sale for a quid, but the disc was so scrathed up it wouldn't even play, and just made nasty clicking noises in my Dreamcast. It was soon removed and thorwn in the bin. I won't be having poorly kept games hurting my little baby. There, there, sweetie, it's all right now, I got you another copy at the Balsidon Gamestation for the usual 2 for a fiver deal (along with F355 Challenge, because there wasn't much else there I didn't have, and hell, I normally get £3 each back for these things at Bootsales anyhow).
Back to V-Rally 2, then. Now, as much as I like Sega Rally 2, it was far from perfect. The PAL version ran only in 50HZ and at half the frame rate of the NTSC versions, and for a game that really doesn't have much to memorize, it sure takes up a lot of blocks on a VMU. Now V-Rally 2 ay not be perfect either, but it does manage to do a lot of things right and more or less wipes the floor with Sega's title, as much as I hate to say it.
For starters, Sega Rally 2 had a few tracks, but in comparison that's nothing on what V-Rally 2 gives you. Across about 10 countries there are over 80 tracks to get to know in this game, and a lot of modes to play them in too. There is also a lot more cars to pick from, with plenty more to unlock. As for the controls, they work well but this game doesn't play toowell with the Racing Controller. Also, your car tips over far too often. At times it doesn't even feel like your car is on the ground as it appears to hover about the track and rolling over at every little bump, almost as if you're driving a fat cat on wheels over jelly. Still, it's not too bad, once you get used to it.
But the real highlight and selling point of the game for me has been the track creator. 80+ tracks or not, there's nothing like being able to save your own designs, and the constrution kit is very simple. Also, each track you save only takes up 4 blocks on a VMU, so you could in theory make a whole games worth. This is where I've been playing hours and hours of the game, trying to produce the most roller-coaster like tracks I possibly can. The first level I saved doesn't have many turns, but is slew with hills that throw the hapless car into the air. I also put one together with loads and loads of shrap turns, and one that goes in one long line going down hill, again with the odd make-the-car-fly moment. I've even recorded footage of some replays from my designs to show you below. Great fun.
In conclusion, V-Rally 2 is well worth picking up, just like all of Infogrames other Dreamcast racing titles Le Mans 24, Wacky races and Loone Tunes Space Race.