The heavens opened earlier on this evening. It was quite spectacular - there was even a bit of Hollywood-calibre thunder and lightning thrown in for good measure. The thing is, I forgot that I'd left an upstairs window open, so whilst I was marvelling at the sudden summer hurricane, cup of tea in hand, thousands of gallons of acid rain were happily cascading through said window - and setting up camp all over my PC, desk, bed and curtains. As a result, it looks like I've pissed the bed (actually, I haven't done that for at least a month) and my computer is pretty fucked.

Oh, and England are, quite predicatably, out of the World the quarters...on penalties...with 10 men. Still, at least cunting Sven's fucked off now - so there's a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

But as ever, and also quite predictably, I digress. In this maelstrom of football tears and rain (hmmm - James blunt references in the 'Yard? There's the unmistakable sound of 50 million readers deserting us), there have been two new purchases. Oh yes my good friends. Whilst David Beckam sits in his Platinum encrusted mansion, crying crocodile tears and commanding his house keeper at gunpoint to boil faberge eggs for his spoilt kids, Tomleecee was out in the urban jungle, pounding pavement scouting for Dreamcast games. And - you'll be pleased to hear - I got some. Well, two. And they are exactly 50% awesome. They are (start the fans, please...):

Fighting Force 2
Yes! This game has brought me a lot of joy. Almost as much joy as when Burke gets eaten in Aliens - the scumbag. But, this is a different kind of joy. A revelatory joy. Why? well, because with the purchase of Fighting Force 2, I have discovered a game that's actually worse that Army Men: Sarges Heroes! Yes, it's true I tell you! Here's a few hilarious reasons why:

  • All of the 'baddies' look the same!
  • The d-pad doubles up at the 'weapon select' and 'quick turn-around' command. Due to an hilarious oversight on the developers part, if you change weapons, you also spin around on the spot!
  • The 'punch' button also doubles up as the button you need to use when you climb a ladder. If you aren't in the right postion to use the ladder, you just stand there punching air!
  • The background bitmaps look like they were drawn in Paint on a 386 running Windows 3.1!

And there's more:

  • Hawk Manson runs in slow-motion, so you get to see the five frames of animation in super detail mode!
  • You can kick and punch baddies through walls, doors and ledges!
  • The camera often gets stuck in the wall, so you can't see what you're doing!
  • There is only one sound effect when you get hit by an enemy - and it sounds, well, a bit 'sexual' actually. Exclaimation!
  • You can punch photocopiers and paper comes out!
  • Boxes left next to locked cargo doors often contain the key for the very same door!
The list goes on, but you get the idea. To cap it off, there is literally no sound whatsoever (no, really - just silence) and the graphics are...well...hmmm. PSX anyone? The. Worst. Game. On. The. Dreamcast.

Thus far - that is. I believe there are some other fetid experiences out there, so the hunt goes on.

Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver
Yeah, yeah, yeah - I mentioned this one recently but you can't deny it's a class act. It's really only a tarted up version of the PS game, but tarted up beyond recognition. You play Raziel, a resurrected vampire who is ordered by an Elder God to track down and ultimatley take out the titular Kain. Just a bit of trivia for you, but the guy who voices the Elder God also does the story telling in Dragons Blood. True.

Anyhow, LOK:SR is one of the best platform adventures on the Dreamcast. The cut-scene graphics are pretty ropey by today's standards, as are the enemies - but the variation in gameplay, the animation, the way the world 'morphs' as you travel between the spirit world and the real world - it all smacks of extremely high production values. It's really good stuff, and the heavily story-driven plot just tops it off. And it's huge. I could kiss LOK's ass for much, much longer - but I'm sure you're bored shitless by now. It's like this: buy this game!

So there it is. 2 games. One shockingly good - the other just plain shocking. Now, please excuse me - i'm going out back to find a particularly long and thick plank of wood - preferably with a few rusty nails wedged into it. Then I'm going to Manchester Airport to await Christiano Ronaldo's return from Germany, at which point I will drive said plank towards his head at speed and continue to do so until his squirrel-like face looks less like Mr Nutz and more like a strawberry blancmange.


gnome said...

It's nice to see you 've put that pesky World Cup behind you, and are ready to cheer Ronaldo during the following season... :)

Football aside, this was another great post. Funny too, and helped me decide on my next DC game.

Animated AF said...

I still really need to sort out a new post on what I've got recently..

gnome said...

You really do, don't you?

Tom Charnock said...

Cheers Gnome - yeah, can't wait to see Ronaldo hugging Rooney again.

Project Mayhem - thanks for the comments, and yeah Beserk is a great game...but $35? Hmmm - not sure it's that good!

Gagaman - whaddya get?! Tell us!!