Penny-less Lane

Long time readers of the 'Yard may recall my disasterous Dreamcast paraphernalia scouting mission to our fair Capital city - London (left). Of course, the excursion wasn't solely about looking for shit with a blue swirl on it, but it would have been nice to see at least one games shop. Saying that though, most of the day was spent in Westminster admiring the real-life MSR circuits and beating off Big Issue selling cockneys with a large stick, so it's hardly suprising. A Gamestation next to the Houses of Parliament? Not likely.

Anyhow, I touch on said subject simply because yesterday saw me take yet another such trip as part of the continuous hunt fo' new shit. Yes, I left the yuppy and student (same thing, right?!) infested citadel of Manchester and headed west - toward another bastion of great northern industrialism - Liverpool.

Liverpool is a vast smogopolis of urban decay, dog shit ridden boulevards, and - of course - the most hideous inhabtants one could ever hope to encounter - Scousers. Yes, my Dreamcasting friends, Scousers.

This is what Scousers look like:

An undead army of Chavs.

Moving back to the city itself, I have to say I was quite impressed with the amount of stuff to see and do:

The Maritime Museum

The Tate Gallery (which, incidentally is full of Modern Art - ie SHITE)

The Liverpool Museum

A street full of bars that arse-rape the Beatles' good name to within an inch of its life (oh, and a bronze statue of some guy called 'John Lennon' or something. Scouser I presume. Which equates to Chav.)

The Docks (where, I shit you not, I saw a fucking massive Seagul virtually destroy a litter bin in order to eat a newspaper.)

But what am I saying here? Have I just been elected Senator for Tourism? No - I'd rather be in charge of tourism for Mega City 1- it'd probably be easier. No, the reason - as you'd probably guessed - is that I found something better than all that shit up there: GAMESTATION!!!

Liverpool: 1 - City of Westminster: 0

And inside, I found the smallest of Dreamcast sections, but one that offered two rather interesting and unspoken of (as yet) titles:

Snocross Championship!
Yep - a game built around the well documented world of high speed sledges. I think I played this on the N64 at some point, so I sort of knew what to expect. The graphics are a bit poo - it looks like a PS1 game in places, and the sound is equally poo - the engines sound like they never click out of first gear, even though the speedo says that is has. The thing about Snocross is that if you click into first person view mode, it becomes one of the most fun racing games on the Dreamcast. Wierd, because when you play it in 3rd person - it's actually pretty shit. The snow speeder things just will not turn, but in 1st person: they do! WHY?!?! . It's the same as Polaris Snocross - they just dropped Polaris from the title for the PAL version. Again WHY?!?!
There are some interesting features, like a track editor and such like, which adds to the longevity, but overall it's never better than passable. Anyway, not the best game ever but quite rare I suppose.




Aqua GT!
I didn't even know this had been released - I saw it in some non-descript gaming mag in a 'coming soon' feature and never saw it again. I presumed it had gone the way of Picasso and Colin McRae: to the great development graveyard in the alley behind the publishers' building...in a dirty great wheely bin with apple cores and shitty nappies overflowing from within. But no, it obviously was released. Can't see why they bothered though - it pretty much sucks. It's meant to be a contender to Hydro Thunder's crown as the only powerboat game in the history of the world that is actually any good - but fails quite spectacularly. Why? because it's slow, boring, has wank graphics (the water effects aren't even as good as Wave Race 64) and, well, has the production values of series one of Red Dwarf. The loading screens look like they were drawn by a five year old with finger paints; and you have to endure them for quite some time due to the outrageous 'accessing' of the disk.


Overall, not a great haul - but two quite obscure titles are welcomed into the Dreamcast Junkyard none the less.

On the other hand, I did manage to get Pro Evo 5 on the Xbox for a mere SIX pounds - so it's not all bad. As for Liverpool - decent enough place, shame about the people.

***LEGAL DISCLAIMER: FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR, ALL OF THE ABOVE NEGATIVE COMMENTS ABOUT LIVERPOOL WERE MEANT AS A JOKE. THE DREAMCAST JUNKYARD DOES NOT CONDONE THE WANTON DEFAMATION OF CITIES, COUNTIES, COUNTRIES OR ANY PEOPLE THAT MAY LIVE WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF SAID CITIES, COUNTIES OR COUNTRIES. EXCEPT PEOPLE FROM WAKEFIELD WITH ONION PITS. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.***

Oh, and lest I forget: it's the World Cup final today. Who'll win? WHO FUCKING CARES? But the Italians have got the bigger incentive: win the World Cup and escape jail!

The Italian Justice System: Legendary.

The cheap, the not-so-cheap, and the.... er...

I'm pretty darn behind with you lot on how my DC collection has been going the last few weeks, me thinks. This could be due to multiple things such as:

1) The stupid heat sucking away all my productive energy.
2) My Modem buggering up and the useless phone calls to BT.
3) Said recent Dreamcast purchases taking up all of my time.
4) Seaman walking, having sex, giving birth to offspring and dying all in one week.

Anyway, let's start with the 'cheap'.
Boot sales. Ahh, the things you can find at them amongst all the common-as-muck Playstation titles, Winnie the Pooh toys and broken mobile phones. This one lady last Saturday, for example, had a box full o' CD related junk, that also contained next to all the DC demo discs. I didn't buy these as I already own them all, although I kind of wish I did now, as some of mine are pretty darn scratched up. Anyway, I rummaged under these demos and found in a thing little CD case...

MDK2! It had no case or manual, but had the front and back papers and of course the CD. How much did she want for it?

20p.

Yep, 20p. That's probably the current record for the cheapest DC game I've ever picked up, although still 2nd place to the bargain that was a bundle of Japanese import games for 50p each once (shame they were games you can get here anyway, but still, they have lovely full colour manuals). I soon sorted out the case problem by nicking one of a spare copy of Virtua Striker I have.

As for my opinion of the game, it's one of those games that I want to like, if not for the fact that is just so darn infuriating. It's certainly original, with plenty of new ideas being thrown about and a great sense of humour, but there is simply not enough checkpoints in a level so you end having to do massive chunks of a level over and over again, and those tiny space ships that are next to impossible to aim at in the first level are a pain. Currently I've only played the game once in a week, which is a not a good sign. It probably has something to with the first boss which I simply don’t want to have to go against again. I can do that sniping part easy enough now, but as soon as the alien bloke jumps down on the stage I don’t get a chance to figure out what his pattern of attacks is before he kills me, and I have to do the laborious sniping part over and over again. AGHHGHHGH. Score: 6/10

I went back to the same boot sale this Saturday hoping the find that woman there again so I could nab the demos, but she weren’t there. Darn. I did, however, pick up another gem for a dirt price.

The Sega Racing controller, fully boxed too with all it's paperwork too! Mine looked just like this above, only mine had some bonus tea stains on the top. How much was it, then?

£3.

Three quid for a ruddy great big steering wheel in possible the biggest blue and white spiral box I have ever seen. Ok, so it might not be on par with other racing controllers out there (No floor pedals? No built in rumble feature?), it'll do the job until one of those better third-party ones shows up. Someone's actually made a mutant mod of this controller to have those features, along with a seat and everything! I've tried it wit a few games and discovered that it didn't feel right with 18 Wheeler (making the game even harder to beat the times), Daytona was far too twitchy (again, easier with a regular controller), but games like Le Mans 24 and F1 World Grand Prix II worked a treat.

Le Mans 24 in particular has now got me hooked once again thanks to the new device, and now I'm attempting to blast through all the championship tracks, which take around 20-25 minutes to race through all ten laps. It's amazing how seamless the change of weather is in it, shame it has to keep raining cats and dogs half way through every race so I have to pit stop and switch tires. Le Mans is always the complete opposite of the un-bearable heat going on outside recently.

Now onto the not so cheap.
Ebay. Yes, the place where you can be hopping with joy one minute then kicking dents in your computer the next when someone outbids you at the last nanosecond. And then there's the waiting for the things to arrive from somewhere in-between Tokyo and Madagascar. I had a bit of luck with it recently, though.

First off, got two rather lovely titles, one PAL (but pretty hard to get your mitts on) and one Japanese, from the same bloke for £15 the pair. The former is Giga Wing, and the latter Street Fighter 3: W Impact. Both by the Dreamcast's favourite bed partner, Capcom.

Giga Wing is a game that, simply by looking at screenshots, would have you think you're actually paying for a Mega Drive game on a 128-bit machine, but you would be oh so wrong. This mental scrolling shooter may have big lumpy sprites, but when you see how many of hem whizz about the screen at once, and how fast, you'll soon change your mind. Simply said, if this was released on the saturn, it'd need one of those honking great big 4MB carts to run it. It's hella fun too, and while you do blow up a lot (especially if you suck at it, like UK ODM did) it's hella fun while it lasts. Oh, and one of the characters you play as is a Nun. A blue haired Nun! Score: 7/10

Now onto Street Fighter 3: W Impact. Now, those of you who are not Street Fighter nuts like me, you'll probably be wondering why there's two Street Fighter 3's out on the DC (this and 3rd Strike). Well, a lot like how Street Fighter II had about twenty-seven variations (estimated) released over the years with added characters, new artwork etc, Street Fighter III had three variants. It's the magic number! This release features the first two SFIII's. For those of you lost already, I can tell you now that only fans of the series and completists will really want this, as the games featured are just cut down versions if what you get in 3rd Strike. I just so happen to be a fan and a bit of a Capcom-arcade-DC-stuff completist, and the Japanese box art made it hard to resist, especially at that price. Score: 7/10

Those were last week, this week I spent some big money on two Japanese games. Well, big money for me to spend anyway. Capcom Vs SNK 2 for £18.50 and Puyo Puyo fever for £17.50. I'm aware you can get both of these games over here cheap for the gamecube, PS2 and X-Box, but then they wouldn't be on my Dreamcast. Also, these games are well worth the money I coughed up for them.

Capcom Vs SNK 2 is, yes, you guessed it, another capcom arcade port, only this is one of the biggest and most solid they have ever made. There's around 35 characters to pick from, 3 arcade modes (Ratio, 3-on-3 and single match), two survival modes, and like the first one even a colour edit system where you can make your own colour schemes of characters with custom names. One of my first mission was to take the guy with the biggest, spikiest hair, paint him blue and call him Sonic. This game is also a bit easier than the first one (which, when pitted against certain characters, was near impossible), although the final bosses that only show up if your score is good enough are as cheap as Capcom fighter bosses get. Still, this next to Marvel Vs Capcom 2 is one of the most engrossing and additive 2D fighters on the console, if not necessarily the prettiest (3rd Strike and Guilty Gear X take those awards). Score: 9/10

Puyo Puyo Fever was the last game Sega published for the Dreamcast, three years after it was off the market in the west, and is a rather shazzy way to go out. Anyone who hasn't heard of the Puyo Puyo series will have heard of it's mega Drive westren edit Dr Robotniks Mean Bean Machine, and this game improves on that formula with new shapes and sizes of blobs and the 'Fever' mode which makes everything go ape shit bonkers. The artwotk is sickenly cute and there is even the options to run the game entirely in English! Mind you, I have the voices on Japanese because the English voice acting is enough to make you want to rip out your spinal cord Mortal Kombat style. Who says 'Kiddies' anymore? That said, this is easily one of the best DC puzzle titles. The game even features the ability to save your best matches as well as some cool downloads for your VMU that customize your BIOS. You can add Puyo wallpapers to back of it, and transform it into a 3D area in which you can zoom and rotae the camera about. There's prooth of the pudding here. Score: 8/10

One last purchase to point out was of a American edition of Samba De Amigo for £6, simply as a spare copy of the game in English. Phew, that about wraps things up. Funny how these games prices were very much relative of their qualities, with the cheapest being the least impressive (if still impressive enough to be worth more than what I got it for) and the most expensive being the best quality.

In other words, my dad is hooked on Virtua Striker. Maybe I should dig out my to-sell copies of the other football games so I don’t have to hear that excruciating "GOOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLLKKKKK!" sample all the time.

Finally, those are my quality cover scans there. They are just another vein in the leg of the Junkyard domination project. Mwa. Ha. Haa.

Blancmange

The heavens opened earlier on this evening. It was quite spectacular - there was even a bit of Hollywood-calibre thunder and lightning thrown in for good measure. The thing is, I forgot that I'd left an upstairs window open, so whilst I was marvelling at the sudden summer hurricane, cup of tea in hand, thousands of gallons of acid rain were happily cascading through said window - and setting up camp all over my PC, desk, bed and curtains. As a result, it looks like I've pissed the bed (actually, I haven't done that for at least a month) and my computer is pretty fucked.

Oh, and England are, quite predicatably, out of the World Cup...in the quarters...on penalties...with 10 men. Still, at least cunting Sven's fucked off now - so there's a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

But as ever, and also quite predictably, I digress. In this maelstrom of football tears and rain (hmmm - James blunt references in the 'Yard? There's the unmistakable sound of 50 million readers deserting us), there have been two new purchases. Oh yes my good friends. Whilst David Beckam sits in his Platinum encrusted mansion, crying crocodile tears and commanding his house keeper at gunpoint to boil faberge eggs for his spoilt kids, Tomleecee was out in the urban jungle, pounding pavement scouting for Dreamcast games. And - you'll be pleased to hear - I got some. Well, two. And they are exactly 50% awesome. They are (start the fans, please...):

Fighting Force 2
Yes! This game has brought me a lot of joy. Almost as much joy as when Burke gets eaten in Aliens - the scumbag. But, this is a different kind of joy. A revelatory joy. Why? well, because with the purchase of Fighting Force 2, I have discovered a game that's actually worse that Army Men: Sarges Heroes! Yes, it's true I tell you! Here's a few hilarious reasons why:

• All of the 'baddies' look the same!
• The d-pad doubles up at the 'weapon select' and 'quick turn-around' command. Due to an hilarious oversight on the developers part, if you change weapons, you also spin around on the spot!
• The 'punch' button also doubles up as the button you need to use when you climb a ladder. If you aren't in the right postion to use the ladder, you just stand there punching air!
• The background bitmaps look like they were drawn in Paint on a 386 running Windows 3.1!

And there's more:

• Hawk Manson runs in slow-motion, so you get to see the five frames of animation in super detail mode!
• You can kick and punch baddies through walls, doors and ledges!
• The camera often gets stuck in the wall, so you can't see what you're doing!
• There is only one sound effect when you get hit by an enemy - and it sounds, well, a bit 'sexual' actually. Exclaimation!
• You can punch photocopiers and paper comes out!
• Boxes left next to locked cargo doors often contain the key for the very same door!

The list goes on, but you get the idea. To cap it off, there is literally no sound whatsoever (no, really - just silence) and the graphics are...well...hmmm. PSX anyone? The. Worst. Game. On. The. Dreamcast.

Thus far - that is. I believe there are some other fetid experiences out there, so the hunt goes on.

Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver
Yeah, yeah, yeah - I mentioned this one recently but you can't deny it's a class act. It's really only a tarted up version of the PS game, but tarted up beyond recognition. You play Raziel, a resurrected vampire who is ordered by an Elder God to track down and ultimatley take out the titular Kain. Just a bit of trivia for you, but the guy who voices the Elder God also does the story telling in Dragons Blood. True.


Anyhow, LOK:SR is one of the best platform adventures on the Dreamcast. The cut-scene graphics are pretty ropey by today's standards, as are the enemies - but the variation in gameplay, the animation, the way the world 'morphs' as you travel between the spirit world and the real world - it all smacks of extremely high production values. It's really good stuff, and the heavily story-driven plot just tops it off. And it's huge. I could kiss LOK's ass for much, much longer - but I'm sure you're bored shitless by now. It's like this: buy this game!

So there it is. 2 games. One shockingly good - the other just plain shocking. Now, please excuse me - i'm going out back to find a particularly long and thick plank of wood - preferably with a few rusty nails wedged into it. Then I'm going to Manchester Airport to await Christiano Ronaldo's return from Germany, at which point I will drive said plank towards his head at speed and continue to do so until his squirrel-like face looks less like Mr Nutz and more like a strawberry blancmange.

Phase One of Junkyard Domination

Introducing three reasons why the Dreamcast ruddy well rocks.






Why did I just post those? Well, if you clicked the clips above to go to their full pages, you may of noticed something they have in common. But excluding the fact hat they are all clips of Dreamcast games ripped from DreamOn demo discs, check out the author name on them all.

...

That's right, mates. I've set up a YouTube account just for Dreamcast content! This is just the first phase to a big project involving the Junkyard I have started, that you may see within the next few months! Here's a link to the account:

http://www.youtube.com/user/dreamcastjunkyard

You'll puke with pleasure! You'll vomit with excitement! You'll shit with fear!

Contraband

Hello there me hearties! Captain Gessler here! 3 parts gut, one part sea dog - but all man. Grrr.

It's been a good few weeks, but today has witnessed the arrival of a new shipment of contraband in the Dreamcast Junkyard. Before you all start getting giddy, it's not the usual type of contraband - you know, Rum, Tobacco, Silk and other such luxury items. No, I'm talking about GAMES my friends!

GAMES!

But what are they? Come and have a look inside my bulging sack...

Tadaa!

For the modest sum of ten gineas (pounds) I have managed to procure the services of four games, each with their own strengths but mostly fraught with ricketts:

• Toy Commander
• Dragons' Blood
• Record of Lodoss War
• Star Wars: Demolition

In reverse order, here are my views on each:

Star Wars: Demolition
Hmmm. A bit of a missed opportunity this. It's made by Luxoflux - the dude and dudettes behind the Vigilante 8 games, and it's quite apparent from the off that it's a basic whoring of the V8 engine (that's Vigilante 8 - not Chevrolet), only with slightly tidied up vehicle models. Basically, you careen around various Star Wars themed enclosed arenas (Hoth, Mos Eisley etc) and shoot other characters who are whizzing about in equally Star Wars-y vehicles like AT-STs and shit. Like I said, it's basically Vigilante 8 with Star Wars tacked on, and the graphics are really quite nice...but it plays like a drowned mongrel. The 'vehicles' float about with no real aim and the weapons on offer are totally uninspired - as are the majority of the levels. The Hoth one is quite cool, with AT-ATs plodding about but it begs the question - why didn't they just make a proper shoot 'em up, Shadows of the Empire-stylee instead? Rating: 5/10

It could have been so much better...

AT-STs on the Death Star surface? Do me a favour...

Record of Lodoss War
Not content with having one of the oddest names in the universe, Record of Lodoss War is also lumbered with being a complete miss-mash of game styles. Is it an RPG? Is it a really rubbish isometric scrolling beat 'em up? I'm not sure, but for all it's sins...I have to admit to really liking it. The intro scenes are a tad on the pathetic side (although never approaching the sheer horror of Soul Fighter's intro) and the graphics are quite similar to what you'd expect to see if you tried to draw a scene from Lord of the Rings on an Etch-A-Sketch, but it does hold a mysterious charm and has a story that is so contrived you can't help but be sucked in by it. Even the conversations with NPCs are shit - but it just begs to be played so you can see what happens next in the story. In layman's terms, it's the bastard lovechild of Dark Saviour and Crusader: No Remorse, but sadly doesn't feature a crow called Kaiser. DAMMIT. Rating: 7/10

Tentacles!

Pentacles!

Dragons' Blood
This was released to zero fanfare - I remember because it simply appeared out of thin air on the shelves of EB one lovely summer day in 2000. Known as Draconus: Cult of the Wyrm (what?!) in the US, Dragon's Blood is a 3D adventure game where you prance across misty fields and through castles and the like, slaying a whole bargain-bin full of cliched orcs, ogres, spiders, goblins and centaurs with either a sword, a boot or a bit of magic. You can play as either Cynric or Aeowyn (typical male/female warriors) although each adventre is pretty similar. The variation in the stages is quite good, as are the visuals as a whole, but it gets quite difficult as you progress and the amount of misting in the open areas approaches Turok levels in places. Also, in the later missions (as the architecture gets rather grandiose) the ugly face of horrific slowdown is reared - although we're not talking Shenmue Harbour, peeps. A decent adventure game overall. Rating: 6.5/10

Would you fuck with this geezer?

Hell Yeah! etc.

Toy Commander
Hell Fire! This is the kind of thing you expect on the Dreamcast. Sure, it was a launch title - but let's be honest - it's gotta be one of the best launch titles ever. I'd be amazed if there's anyone out there who doesn't own Toy Commander, but if you don't - get it. It sort of reminds me of Club Drive on the Jaguar (the house levels), only about a billion times better. You, as the title suggests, play a commander who has...er..command over a number of different toy war machines (tanks, planes, trucks, choppers etc) and must wage war against the despot toys who hold various areas of the house in their respective iron (plastic?) grips. Missions can be completed in any order and range from destroying enemy toy subs in a flooded kitchen; to rescuing scattered toy soldiers from the top bunk in a child's bedroom. After all the missions in a particular room have been completed, you get to battle against the 'boss' of the area, who usually tends to be a big motherfucker of a toy with plenty of missiles and other nasty means of killing you tucked in his pockets. The graphics are simply amazing - better than many second and third generation DC titles and are packed with colour and detail, whilst the gameplay is well balanced and a lot of fun. Toy Commander is one game you should really seek out. Rating: 9/10

5 past 9? Waaay past my bedtime...

Lovely carpet. Shame about the wallpaper.

Well, that's about enough excitement for me for one night. I need something really boring, dull, unimaginative, labourious and repetitive to help get me off to sleep. Where's that video of England's World Cup campaign got to...

The Joy of X

"Our mission is simple: to research and explore some of our favorite games and find out just what the developers originally had in mind."

That is the brave quote taken from the index page of this site, X-Cult.

It also goes on to state that "You won't fine any lame, half-assed theories or false info here, only the facts."

And quite right they are too. X-Cult are a group of gamers who look into the rumours, gossip and lore surrounding games development and try to find out any information on how various games were originally intended to play. The reason I have posted about X-Cult, though, is because they have a rather fascinating Dreamcast area that features screens of planned Dreamcast games you probably didn't even know existed, eg:

Midnight GT

Gun Valkyrie

Croc 2

AND...AND...AND...

the DC version of MAX PAYNE!!!

On top of that, they have a few videos of Max Payne, Geist Force and Castlevania Resurrection, and also a scan of an 'upcoming releases' leaflet thing (you know, those things that come folded up in the jewel case when you buy a game) that features a shit load of games that never saw the light of day (including Galleon) - so go there now and see these incredible sights for yourself!! Or don't.

It's entirely up to you. Unless you live in a country where the government watches your every move, in which case it's probably best to clear it with your area administrator first.

B+Q = Keanu!

That title will only make sense to you if you a) reside in the UK and b) are familiar with D.I.Y.

But your loss if your don't / aren't. Moving on:

Ever since it's epoch making release, it seems EVERYONE has been ripping off Jet Set Radio. But that's only natural considering it's a classic mix of funky music, great gameplay...and fucking astounding visuals. Yep - I'd go as far as saying JSR is possibly one of the best looking videogames I've ever played - even to this day. To illustrate this further, one of my housemates remarked at the brilliance of the Xbox whilst I was playing it...until the fucking cretin realised that the Xbox was lying dormant and it was a goddammed DREAMCAST I was playing on!!! DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!

But why do I wax lyrical about Jet Set Radio you ponder...

It will all become clear very soon, but first, let's have a little gander at some games that have blatantly plagerised our old pal Jet Set for his/her (delete as applicable) unique cel shaded graphical style to earn kudos (K):

Wacky Races

(which is, in it's own right a simply brilliant Mario Kart style game, and one of the Dreamcast's better racing offerings by the way)

XIII

(that's Thirteen for the Roman Numerally-challenged reader. A really great game, and even better now it retails for 2.99!!)

Cel Damage

(Never played it, but apparently it sucks more ass than Jonathan (W)Ross interviewing a Lord of the Rings cast member. The tosser.)

Jet Set Radio Future

(OK, not a rip off as such - but originally intended as a Dreamcast sequel. If only twats had bought more Dreamcasts. Tut. But still, a great game nonetheless)

You may be wondering why I am bringing this bullshite to your attention when it could so easily be preoccupied by a) making another round of cheese on toast; b) cracking open another can of Carlsberg (which is what I'm about to do...please excuse me); c) cracking one off to that new Christina Aguilera video (which is what I'm also about to do...thank GOD I got that tissue box holder); or d) cracking one off to a David Hasslehoff video...which is your own business. Cough.

Whatever your taste in (wo)men, the reason I bring JSR (or JGR for the NTSC crew) to the table after so many years of entertainment is that a new film that uses a familiar cel shading effect has just come to my attention.

Ladies and Germs - A SCANNER DARKLY:



OK - it doesn't feature a band of futuristic 'sk8ers' graffiti-ing up some lovely neighbourhood and being chased by a fat cunt with a dog (which is what generally happens to me when I don my turbo-skates and spray my 'tag' on next door's living-room window), but it looks remarkably familiar and also (whisper it) very good. Well done Keanu - although, sadly, it still takes a bit of fancy animation to stop you looking like a plank of 2 by 4.

Irony

Ladies and Gentlemen, when you purchase something from that eBay nonsense, you expect certain things. You expect to pay over the odds for postage just so the greedy twat selling the thing can get a bit more cash out of you. You also expect to be waiting ages for your item to arrive in the post. What you don't expect, is for your item to be covered in so many dog hairs, cat hairs and pubes that it resembles Captain Caveman. But that's what happened to me when I bought this:

Yes! It's a Dreamcast themed tissue holder!

I left the tea ring on the right to give you a sense of scale.

I managed to get most of the hairs off (after projectile vomiting several times in the process), but due to the simply stupid dimensions of the thing, and the bits of fire encouraging foam inside, you can't actually put any kind of tissue box inside it! The question remains - why does this thing even exist?- it's like the games merchandise equivalent of the wasp. More troubling is the follow-up question: WHY THE FUCK DID I PAY FOUR POUNDS FOR IT?! That's 4 cans of Carling I could have been supping right now.

Damn you, cruel fate.

Anyhow, since mankind can create such marvels as the space shuttle; perform sextuplet (sex...hehe!) heart bypasses; and build towers that reach to heaven (probably), yet do not have the capacity to invent a tissue box that fits inside the Dreamcast Tissue Box Holder(tm), I have taken it upon myself to discover what other everyday items could prove to be a worthy substitute (unlike Owen Hargreaves):

A Shoe!

A Spider Plant! (note to self: it needs watering before it dies.)

If you remove the foam and add a hand, you get a rather spiffy hand puppet! At last, a real friend!!!

A REAL DREAMCAST! Oh, the irony:

HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Anyway, I'm just nipping to the shed to shoot myself in the face with the antique Remington shotgun I got from a car boot at the weekend for 80p. Gagaman, the car boot bargain hunt has just been blown wide open... :-D

Totally Ridiculous Comparisons: No. 3

I figured that after Totally Ridiculous Comarisons: No. 2, enough was enough because, just like a bird who is that fat she also has tits on her back, you simply can have too much of a good thing. But fear not! There are no fat birds here - in fact, there are no females here whatsoever...but I digress.

In the past we have seen Super Runabout trade haymakers with Charge N' Blast; and we've witnessed the spectacle of F355 Challenge take one hell of a Maggie Thatcher-style beating at the hands of Star Wars Episode 1: Racer - but now it's time to stop fucking about. It's time for the big boys to step into the ring...

So, without further ado, gents and gents, put your wank mags and pot noodles down - and give a warm Dreamcast Junkyard style welcome to the new contenders (drumroll please):

"Are you ready? Are you ready? Let's GET IT ON!"

Daytona 2001 Versus Shenmue








Round 1: Graphics

Whoa...where to begin? Daytona's visuals are something else. It's simply arcade perfect - you know, if Daytona 2001 had actually ever been in the arcades. But first things first - the vehicles. Each car is really well modelled and super shiny. There aren't any real-time reflections going on, but you get the idea as the clouds glide over the bodywork like Swiss Tony(above left)'s hands might glide over the soft thigh of a 19-year-old blonde. Cough. The framerate is consistent and the draw distances are pretty spectacular at times - check out the entire track laid before your eyes as you disappear down the hill and under the bridge on the Mermaid Lake track - it's a really impressive sight, especially with 39 other vehicles battling for position all around you. Trackside detail on some of the courses is a little sparse (Circuit Pixie and National Park Speedway for example), but on the whole, Daytona 2001 is an almost perfect example of the Dreamcast's technical superiority.

A totally different visual style to Daytona, Shenmue is again arguably one of the best looking games on the DC. Everything is modelled with such meticulous detail you have to wonder about the sanity of the developers. Go into a shop and look at the shit on the shelves - it's all labelled up - no N64 style masses of colour here, guv'nor. Peoples faces, bikes, doors, kettles...even the inside of the freaking bus to the docks...it's all immaculatley modelled. And it's not just the things you interact with either - the actual environment looks so realistic due to the overbearing use of drab colours. Where Daytona jumps through the retinas with overbearing joyful garishness, Shenmue heaps on the atmosphere with a colour palette similar to the one used in the Grim Reaper's bedroom. Don't ask how I know - just take my word for it. And then there are the little things you don't notice at first, like the proper shadows and the real time lighting. It ain't perfect (some slowdown and the way shadows don't fall on snow(odd)), but it's still an exceptionally good looking title.

Winner: It's a Tie, folks.

Round 2: Sound

Daytona on the Saturn featured music so cringeworthy that it is said one unhappy punter stabbed knitting needles through his own ear drums just so he could play it without breaking down in tears. Bit drastic, I know - but apparently he'd lost his TV remote and couldn't turn it down. That is probably a lie, more than likely concocted by me - but who can forget "Blue, blue skies..." AAAAARGH! It's worse than Eurovision. Daytona 2001 isn't quite as bad, you'll be pleased to hear, although the soundtrack is made up of remixes. They're nowhere near as offensive as the original choons, but still, not really up to scratch - and what happened to the top notch menu music from CCE?! Oh well. Elsewhere, sound effects are pretty much by the numbers - the odd throaty engine growl here, the odd tire screech there - all perfectly acceptable, but hardly amazing. One nice extra I noted is the way you can now hear the crowd as you whizz past the grandstand corner on 777 Speedway, which is nice, but overall Daytona is pretty average in the speaker/ear collaboration department.

Shenmue is a game that has had hundreds, maybe thousands of man hours poured into it. You can see this in the graphics - and the sound is no different. Again, you don't really notice it while you're playing, but the little incidentals that chime in, and the atmosphere building crescendos during cut scenes should be applauded. There are some areas that are marked out by their music (for example, I know for a fact that everyone reading this who has played Shenmue for any length of time will remember the music in Ryo's house and garden - that sort of drummy, slow melody). The voice acting of the NPCs (and Ryo, for that matter) can be a bit grating in places (especially that cretin Tom at the burger bar, with his faux Jamaican twang), but lets look at the bigger picture - it's head and shoulders above most games in this genre. Individual character's personalities can be picked up through how they speak and emotion is well conveyed through the dialogue. So, pretty good then.

Winner: The Hero of Time...er...Ryo Hazuki's Shenmue

Round 3: Gameplay

Daytona is one of those games you'll either love or hate when it comes down to gameplay. By gameplay, I primarily mean how the cars handle, but will also wax lyrical about the other aspects of the way it plays. But first: handling. You can tweak vehicle set ups in Daytona 2001, but in truth it doesn't really make much of a difference to the car's classification: some are fast with shit cornering, some are slow with good cornering. The generic Hornet car (let's be honest - it's the one we all use, all the time) bobs about under the strain of the engine like it's got a see-saw underneath it and cornering can be a nightmare unless you get a feel for the way the game wants you to play it. Daytona, believe it or not, is a game in which braking is essential - if you don't, you'll be seeing that comedy car flip more times than is healthy. To successfully navigate the more hideous turns, it is imperitive that you know how to drift the cars without spinning out and unless you can do it, you'll probably think Daytona is an unplayable, difficult and ultimatley shite game. Give it time and you'll see the error of your ways - mark my words, young Jedi. Elsewhere, there is a generic championship made to battle through and the usual array of single races etc. Cars are unlocked by winning championships and, wierdly, by playing for set periods of time. The overall concensus with Daytona 2001 though is this: have patience.

Shenmue is very much something of an aquired taste in gaming. The slow, but ultimatley intriguing plot takes time to bear any real fruit and many people may lose interest before the story really kicks off. As with most RPGs (although, Shenmue is more of an action-rpg), the very nature of the adventure is plodding. But lets talk about controls first. I didn't really like the control set up - using the D-Pad is a nightmare at times and I was forever pushing the analogue stick by mistake and fucking the camera up. The fighting controls are OK, but again, using the D-Pad is a bit wrong, and you can never really execute the move you want to becuase button presses and actions being taken is so inconsistent. I'm nit picking, I know. Another thing that really annoyed me was the constant waiting around for the time to pass - sometimes you have to wait till 7 in the evening to meet someone or go somewhere...when Ryo gets up at 8.30am, that's a long time to wait around. It's a storming game, but sometimes you have no choice but to leave it running while you go off and do something and then come back when the virtual time has passed sufficiently to progress the story. Bah.

Winner: Due to the infuriating D-Pad and waiting around, it's gotta be Daytona

Round 4: Longevity

Daytona has 8 tracks, a minimal numer of initial cars (although as mentioned, some more can be unlocked) and only a few different play modes. Nevertheless, you can play the tracks in reverse, mirror or reverse mirror so it jazzes things up a bit. However, you have to consider that Daytona is an arcade racer at heart and is intended to be played in short, hi octane stints - it ain't Forza Motorsport afterall. That said, beating lap records and perfecting your drive is still a lot of fun, so there is some longevity here.

Ah. Here Shenmue shines. The overall quest in this first installment of the Hazuki revenge story isnt overly long - but it kept me going for a good while. The game spans 3 GDs (the fourth is a graphics showcase/mess about disc) so you do get an idea of how long you'll be playing - but the real clinchers are the side quests you'll often be asked to complete, but don't have to. For example, helping an old codger find a particular address. Other sidelines include collecting toys from the slot machines and finding the audio tapes and Saturn games for the console under the telly in Ryo's gaff (you'll save a pretty penny in arcade trips y'know). I personally didn't even bother with all that stuff, but I still got a lot of play out of it. Just don't mention the slightly gay handing out of prizes after the forklift truck race at the docks. Shudder.

Winner: It's gotta be Shenmue again - if only for the sonic toys.

Overall Winner: Shenmue

Scores on the boards: Daytona 2001: 2 Shenmue: 3

There it is. The scores don't lie - it was a tough one, and the closest match up thus far, but Shenmue took it. Daytona needn't be down hearted though - it was a mammoth task. Like England winning the world cup. But what the HELL am I talking about? They're inanimate bits of pressed plastic. I need to lie down.

And on that (slightly surreal) bombshell, here's a picture of a prototype Dreamcast that hasn't already been copy and pasted to death from some other, inferior website or blog:

Cool eh?