Blue Monday

Well, well, well. Another completely lacklustre weekend passes without so much as a whimper. A few pints here, a bit of vodka there, a smattering of boxing and a dash of football...and then it's all over. To be replaced with another week of anticipating the next occurance of Saturday and Sunday, just so we can do the same again. Who'd be a Homosapien living in a 'developed' nation eh?

Ho hum.

It's not all (Final) Doom and (shit Amiga rip-off) Gloom, though. Oh no. This weekend I got some new shoes, a new coat...and, YES!, new games! True, the shoes/coat combo gave Sunday an air of 'back to school' after a particularly long and hot school summer holiday, but the arrival of new Dreamcast games lent an atmosphere of Christmas. Only without a glut of Cadbury's selection boxes and a general wave of dissapointment when you've ripped the wrapping paper off your presents to discover that most of them were gleaned by mum from the shelves of the local Pound Shop.

Speaking of Pound Shops, there's one near me that sells things for £2 each. Where's the justice in that, eh? THE JUSTICE?!?! And staying on this rather banal of subjects for yet another sentence, I recall seeing a stack of Dreamcast keyboards in a Pound Shop several years ago. Unfortunatley I was going through my PS2/Gamecube/Xbox* (*delete as applicable) stage at the time and as such said items were irrelevant.

Moving swiftly along (as is generally the order of the day), I present to you a layman's account of the games that this weekend unearthed:

Evolution: World of Sacred Device
Evolution was the first RPG released for the Dreamcast and seeing as I hate all things RPG with a Die Hard-like vengeance, I was a bit reluctant to ever give it a go. Recently though, I discovered that it was developed as a sort of 'beginners introduction' to the RPG genre, replete with simple controls, diluted storyline and easy to understand gameplay mechanics. The only RPGs I've ever played to the end are Zelda: Link's Awakening on the Gameboy and Zelda: Ocarina of Time on the N64 (oh, and Shenmue), but they're more action-RPGs than bona-fide ones; so you'll believe me when I say I'm a bit of a n00b when it comes to the proper, turn based combat variety. Indeed, I ripped Final Fantasy VII from my PlayStation's disc tray in disgust after a mere 15 minutes of play: Ace visuals? Check. Amazing CG scenes? Check. Random Battles? Check. Random? Battles? WTF?!

Does not fucking compute I'm afraid. Anyhow, I saw Evolution as my opportunity to finally see the error of my ways, delve into what is a widely admired genre and see what all the fuss is about, without getting bogged down with such hideous things as 'mana,' 'HP,' and reams upon reams of pseudo-intellectual goobledygook about myths, legends and the return of a mighty warrior or similar shite.

And, in part, that's what you get with Evolution. In part.

The story is a mildly interesting one: The world has regained it's interest in technology after a period of primitive lifestyle, and it's up to certain members of society, called Adventurers, to investigate the various ruins of the land in order to discover lost technological artifacts in order to bring them back to the fore. The organisation behind all this is called simply 'The Society,' and it's down to them to pay you for your finds once you deliver the goods. You play as a young Adventurer by the name of Mag Launcher (whats wrong with normal names in these games?), who's the last in the lineage of famous Launcher family of explorers after mum and dad went missing. Now, with mounting debts, it's up to you to accept missions from The Society, pack your bags and set off to find some artifacts with which to pay the families' debts off. Quite a relevent story actually, when you consider that the UK is Europe's most debt-laden nation. If only there really was a 'Society.' I'd have my Barclaycard paid off in no time.

Anyway, Evolution is basically you, your comrades (of which there are usually two) and your wierd back-pack based weapon (a 'Cyframe'), wandering around randomly generated dungeons looking fo' shit to flog to the Society in order to pay off your debtors. Pretty straight forward really. The graphics in the outside areas are pretty good, but in the dungeons it's just plain corridor after plain corridor broken up by a few rooms full of enemies. The character models are quite good, and the dialogue is well written and believable...it's just that the whole affair is a bit repetitive and, dare I say it, dull. If you're a fan of the genre it may be worth looking into if you've already done Skies of Arcadia and Grandia (both of which I'm going to steer a good few miles wide of), but if you're new to RPGs and prefer stuff like Daytona or Virtua Tennis...avoid it. I've never seen the point of 'turn based' combat, and Evolution (even though it's not 'random') has done nothing to change my opinion. Bah.

Starlancer
Now this is what I'm talkin' about. After the ultimate tweeness and plodding nature of Evolution, Starlancer was exactly what I needed to inject some adrenaline back into my gaming sesh. Not content with having one of the coolest names in the history of gaming, Starlancer goes one better by actually being one of the most exciting experiences on the Dreamcast. You play a volunteer starfighter pilot in the Alliance - a sort of space federation consisting of the space navies of various Earth nations such as the US, Blighty, Japan, France, Germany, Italy and Spain. The enemy federation, The Coallition, is made up of the usual stereotypical baddies - the Russians, Chinese and a few anonymous Arab nations (suprise, suprise). Seeing that Starlancer is an American game, I'm suprised the Brits aren't on the 'bad' side too - we're the evil villians in many a Hollywood Blockbuster. Meh.

Alliances aside, Starlancer thrusts you, as an inexperienced young rookie, into the fray with alarming abruptness. No sooner are you sent on a routine convoy mission, the naughty Coallition appear and attempt to kick your ass. Luckily, you have the means to take that big old communist boot, plant it firmly on your foot and kick their posteriors instead. How so? Firepower, my friends - and there's a whole wheely bin full of the stuff in Starlancer. But I'm getting ahead again.

At base level, Starlancer is a story driven space-based shoot 'em up (from the guy who created Wing Commander, apparently). In it, you get to choose your class of fighter craft, the type and number of weapons you carry and then set off on your mission to deal out laser death to some infidels. You are detailed on your mission by a Commander and the use of a Thunderhawk-style briefing conference (ie, a pull-down projector screen), then it's off into the void. The great thing about Starlancer though, is that the story is played out in real-time via radio chatter from your comrades - a bit like in Lylat Wars, but without the cretinous Slippy Toad getting into shit all the time. You can also interact with other members of your squadron via the intuitive commands toggle, meaning you can request help with certain targets or ask for a formation. Very cool. When blended with a superlative control system (how did they manage to get so many keyboard commands onto a joypad?!), Starlancer is a joy to play.

The music is very atmospheric and adds a movie like quality to proceedings, and the voice acting in general is of a suitably high standard - as are the visuals. Enormous motherships hang in space, whilst tiny fighter ships zip between them, beautiful explosions erupting all around - all set to the background of massive, slowly rotating planets. Stunning.

There are some minor detractions from the overall brilliance of Starlancer - namely the repetitiveness of some of the dogfights and the absurd difficulty of some of the missions...but overall, the quality of the other departments shines through: I especially liked the news broadcasts at the end of the missions that relay other goings on in the solar system and even, occasionally, mention your exploits too. Fame...at long last!

If you like your space 'em ups, Starlancer is definatley for you.

First Deep Fighter and now Starlancer? In the space of one week? Incredible...but there's more to come chums, oh yes...

Dreamcast 'Shit Game' Prisoner In an IGN stylee...

Well I've made a decision. Spurred on, by recent posts by TeeLeeCee, and with a growing feeling that I've just moaned enough about my massive (ooer!) Dreamcast collection, and how I never play all the games, I've decided to do something about it. I've decided that I must play 'em all. PLAY 'EM ALL! That's right ALL OF THEM. The reasoning behind this?

So I get to know them, can appreciate what they're all about, and put a plug in my big, whiny, fat, white ass. Since when is playing games a chore? Hmmm... Now lets set out the parameters for said proposition...

O.K.... As learned bespectacled Professors at Harvard have debated studiously for decades... (about three) What constitutes 'playing them'? (As opposed to just experiencing them...) Lets think ...Time?, Commitment?, Enjoyment? etc.

I've decided that I should devote at least three hours to each. Thats about as realistic as I can manage.

Three hours?

Was that the playability and durability that each game developer intended the person who spent their hard earned dollar, bought, saved up for and played their game should spend? FUCK! Well no... and if they did back in 2000, when games cost £40 odd, they should have hung their spotty heads in shame and had nipple clamps attached to their 'diddies'.

But in 2006, when games cost as little as £2.50, it's piss easy to 'score' them, look at them, and then tuck 'em away without ever playing or acknowledging the work that went into them. And that's NO TIME... Correct?
Damn straight! And we can't have that...

Now...there were two things that made me think of embarking on this nerdfest mother-loving odyssey.

One was the recent decision by media 'giant' IGN, that, (in the face of a lot of up-coming 'work', in terms of reviewing next gen consoles and games), they would give up their geek related free time to Re-Review every Dreamcast game that was ever released by Sega.

(Just for the love of the most beautiful console ever created) God love 'em (sniff!)

The other (and perhaps more pressing) reason was that I'd just added four games to my collection via impulse buying on eBay (Typing Of The Dead, Floigan Bros, (see previous post) Evil Dead and (cough) Kao the Kangaroo) whilst knowingly and callously 'fobbing' the mountains of worthy games, thus unexplored, within my huge collection.

Every time TeeLeeCee or the Gagaman write about a game, it seems they are able to impart to you all out there, an incisive personal perspective, or an in-depth enlightening analysis of said game (levels, modes, graphics, playability, secret stuff etc.)

Every time I write about a game it is padded out with bullshit, waffle, nonsensical guff and silliness. Whilst I know the 'Yard is intended to have some 'junk' scattered about the place, this does not mean that a serious review, that might allow a potential buyer to choose wisely, should be oscured by personal musings, bollocks, and pithiness, liberally sprinkled throughout the most recent rambling account posted by the Father on the 'Yard.

DISCLAIMER:
Whilst pledging to try out all the games currently gathering dust on my shelves, it doesn't mean I wont ever...

a.) Fuck the whole project off because it is boring the arse off me.
b.) Submit random posts on a whim, because of the fact that my intended project is boring the arse off me.
c.) Get a sex change, learn to speak Welsh, relocate to Bangkok and live as a Lady-Boy (should I have added that one?) Hmmmm...

For the time being however, it does mean that I have to leave behind trusted and much played lovelies such as...Soul Calibur, Crazy Taxi, Jet Set Radio, Shenmue, Metropolis Street Racer, SegaWorldwide Soccer (Euro Edition), HOTD2, Confidential Mission... and a plethora of other well loved games for...utter shite like Chicken Run, Disney's Dinosaur, Toy Racer, Kao The Kangaroo and erm...Urban Chaos. (Choke)










In the unlikely event that I actually carry out my intention, it's gonna take me months or even years to play 'em and report back. I am worried about the success rate of this mission 'cos of a personal experiece which kinda relates to putting your intentions up in the public arena...

(There was a vey fat bird at my work who once famously announced her intention to diet, and got us to sponsor her "for charity". She's currently gorging her way through six meals -a-day (plus copious amounts of doughnuts) whilst awaiting stomach stapling surgery...)
It might mean I have to 'cheat on' my selected unplayed games, by playing other more loved familiar ones, during moments of DC related weakness...











Still my intention is to play through (alphabetically- it seems like as good a system as any other...) all my titles. Are you with me? We'll see...
Well, gasp! Here goes. I'll have to get one of the Gingers to alphbeticize them and shortly will impart my first review.

God this seems like fucking hard work already... 'Alone In The Dark' here I come...

Goodnight children, wherever you are.

The Brothers Brill

It's not very often these days that a game actually makes me smile. Infact, due to the appalling state of fuck-everyone-except-me modern-day living, it's not very often anything makes me smile. Except, perhaps, random acts of extreme violence - but that's only because I play computer games...right?

Yesterday however, a Dreamcast game entered my life that not only made my indifferent Mona Lisa-like face crack into a smile, but also induced a strange muscular reaction during which my body shook and spasms in my chest forced strange audible gurgles to escape through my mouth. In other words, it actually made me laugh.

The game? Why, it's Floigan Brothers Episode 1, of course!

You'd be forgiven for having never heard of it - indeed, untill yesterday I'd never even seen the game in the flesh...er, plastic...and was convinced that it was one of those vapourware games that the mags loved to review and excite us with, but that never came out to buy.

But Floigan Brothers is real and I paid the paltry sum of £6.99 for it, while also picking up a copy of Sega Worldwide Soccer 2000: Euro Edition as part of the deal after Father Krishna's shining account of it a few posts back. As a sidenote, SWWS Euro is indeed a top notch kickabout - and comes highly reccomended, but you'd be advised to skip the revolting intro sequence lest it causes your eyeballs to implode.

Moigle at work assembling your 'surprise' in the garage. Wonder if it's one of those life-like shagging dolls from Japan...

Obviously, you can't tell from this, but the animation is supoib

But back to Floigan Bros. Apparently (well, according to the omnipresent Planet Dreamcast), Floigan Bros. was a top secret platform game that Sega had in development since the early days of the Dreamcast, and had been pored over for around 3 years untill it was perfect for consumption. Obviously, the efforts of the development team only reached a very small section of the market due to the scandalous demise of the platform as a whole, but rest assured: The Dreamcast Junkyard is here to spread the good gospel of the Foigan Bros!

Yes, you can punch your brother. At last!

I didn't really know what to expect from FB - I read a few reviews online, and most are quite favourable (although hint at the relative shortness of the quest), but none really set you up for the visual and sonic treat that assaults the senses like American friendly fire when you power up. You know it's going to be good though, when the developer's intro screens are as well produced as an episode of Spongebob Squarepants and the 'press start' screen dialogue has the feeling of a cartoon version of Buggsy Malone.

Upon pressing start, you are given the option to play a tutorial or the main game, although you are quite literally forced to complete the tutorial the first time you play, as the main game isn't accessible untill you've done so. However, this isn't your run-of-the-mill "go here and press that" text scroller, oh no: what you get when you load up Floigan Bros. tutorial is for all intents and purposes a real time, polygonal cartoon with some of the best voice acting and animation you've ever seen. The tutorial level is more than a simple training excercise, it's a fully scripted and seamless introduction to the world of Hoigle and Moigle Floigan, where it's your job (as the shorter, more intelligent Hoigle) to help Moigle collect ingredients to make some cookies. Sounds stupid, I know, but it's got to be the best tutorial I've played and they way the chracters interact can sometimes feel like you're not actually playing a game at all - just watching a cutscene...but you're not! you're playing a real-time game! It's amazing!

After the tutorial is over and you've been shown how to coerce the bigger, thicker, computer controlled Moigle into doing stuff like play mini games, and 'taught' him a few new tasks (such as standing in various spots so that you can run around him, make him dizzy and faint, and then jump on his flabby gut to bounce to higher places); it's off outside into the Junkyard to start the game proper.

A scene from the brilliant tutorial

The premise of the game is rather simple: Moigle wants to make Hoigle a suprise in the garage, but to do so he needs his help collecting seven items from around the Junkyard. Before you think it's just going to descend into standard platform guff after the outstanding intro level, stop. It doesn't: it's just a continuation of the same high quality graphics, superb animation and really quite unclassifiable gameplay as you guide Hoigle and Moigle around the 'Yard solving puzzles, taking hints from a trio of signpost holding mice and playing umpteen mini-games. It's really quite a task to describe how this game works without being able to actually show you, but please - this is a game that deserves your attention, not only because it's one of the prettiest looking games on the Dreamcast, but because it's so God-damned original and refeshing too.

And did I mention laugh-out-loud funny? If you see this game: BUY IT.

Also, if you want, click here to read my review of the really quite pallatable Deep Fighter over at Review Centre.

Remote User Online

Christ on a bike. Turned on the radio last night and what do I hear? Only Take That's new single. TAKE THAT?!?!? What the mother-fucking HELL is going on?! After I'd regained consciousness and the initial wave of nausea had subsided (and I'd managed to get the vomit out of the carpet); It suddenly dawned on me that hearing the defunct boyband's new single - 10 years after they originally dis-'banded' - could only be a sign from the Heavens. Yes - Take That is the catalyst for the revival of the Dreamcast! All we need to do is convince hoards of screaming 30-year-old women to buy units in the millions...and hey presto: The long awaited 2econd coming of the world's greatest ever console. If a group of geriatric manc pub-singers can do it, WE CAN TOO! Look at the facts: All Take That have got are man-boobs, beer guts and bleach blonde crew cuts; whilst we've got Jet Set Radio, MSR, Ecco, Daytona, Virtua Tennis 2...and...Army Men: Sarge's Heroes.

On second thoughts, where's that drawing board got to...

Oh well. That's another plan in the dog's bowl, but we've only licked the tip of this particular sugar coated iceberg, my friends. Before I continue with the intended diatribe though, I must firstly offer some explanation as to the recent drought of posts here at the epicentre of trans-dimensional Dreamcast related horizonal events - The Dreamcast Junkyard. You see, I recently moved to an area of Manchester called Burnage - a chav ridden suburb most famously known as the childhood home of those delightful Oasis frontmen, the Gallagher brothers. As such, I feel my affectionate moniker for it - The Cradle of Filth - is much deserved. Furthermore, the 'internet(?!)' doesn't seem to exist in said urban prairie so I'm restricted to using the highly monitored net connection at work to deposit the contents of my cerebral cortex into the 'Yard.

And whilst I can't post pictures (this will be completed at a later date using a highly complex system of...erm...someone else's PC - and hopefully by the time you read this it will have been done), the fact that most of my work colleagues are technophobic middle-aged toothless sea hags that share a solitary single eye, means that I can disguise my blogging activity as a harmless Outlook Express email to the Chief Exec with the subject line: Suck my 'Internet Code of Conduct'-breaking COCK, Oedipal Muthafucker!!!

You see, the 'Yard is more than a mere blog: It's a way of life.

***WARNING: BRACE FOR INCOMING BACKLASH FROM FEMINIST GROUPS***

Yesterday I discovered that women have more than 3 uses. Just as I always thought my DC was powered by miniscule Eddie Izzard type creatures (see post below...somewhere), I was brought up in the traditional Northern way to believe that women were only good for:

• Being sent to the shop for woodbines and corn dog (corned beef)
• "Make my fucking Tea (a meal, preferably on the table when I get home from work), Bitch"
• "Spread your legs, Bitch (followed by optional slap/punch/garroting)"

Apparently though, this simply isnt the case. No - yesterday the greasy, spotty, smelly twats that work behind the counter at a Gamestation in an un-named provincial township not too far from here will have had the shock of their Kerrang-reading lives when a woman, yes a REAL woman - entered their dingy emporium...and purchased FOUR DREAMCAST GAMES!!!!

Do not adjust your monitor, oh hallowed and respected reader - your vampiric eyes do not deceive you: A woman went into a branch of Gamestation and bought 4 Dreamcast games.

Now, this isn't copy and pasted from a chapter of some obscure HP Lovecraft tome. No, it happened in real life, yesterday afternoon. But before you leap from your chair and reach for that flashing red telephone that has a direct link to the oval office: Women have not suddenly become intelligent.

No, said woman was infact my sister (ergo the above bullet points don't apply) and she wasn't acting alone. She didn't suddenly stop reading OK! Magazine, grow a brain cell and embrace the awesomeness of the Dreamcast. If you'd closely inspected her, you'd have probably been on the recieving end of a bottle of pepper spray, but after your vision had returned, you would have been able to see that she actually had a mobile telephonic device strapped to her head. A sinister, barely audible voice could probably have been heard blurting out commands too, pushing aside images of Max Factor, Eastenders and Coronation Street, and replacing them with images of a blue swirl, incessantly spinning in the darkness like some kind of arcane and undying catherine wheel of oblivion: It was ME!

Like a modern day SEGA sponsored Dr Claw, I commanded my sibling to enter the shop and immediatley ring me when and if she located a Dreamcast section. I knew when my phone vibrated exitedly on my desk that she'd fulfilled stage one of her mission. Then, from deep within the bowels of my hideout (erm...work), and cleverly manipulating her putty-like brain to put the cost of the call on her bill (YES!), I instructed her to read to me the title of every blue-spined Ark of Wonder she could see. Alas, the choice was rather limited but I managed, via remote use of her limbs (and money) to aquire the following selection:

Deep Fighter
The other underwater game on the Dreamcast after Ecco, Deep Fighter is like a mixture of said dolpin simulator and the superb space 'em up, Star Lancer...only not nearly as good as either. Infact, I'd readily use the phrase "considerably less than the sum of it's parts."

Deep Fighter spans 2 GDs, which initially makes you think it's probably going to a massive quest, but in reality it's probably to accomodate the sheer amount of FMV that's packed in to the story: basically, you play a recent graduate of the 'Academy,' Moray 2, and must carry out various missions for Admiral Lynn (who's a bloke, btw) in your little submarine thing. The overall aim of Deep Fighter is to repell the attacks of various sub-aqua ne'er do wells from your bases so that the scientists can rebuild a mothership that will help you escape the Waterworld-esque planet on which you're stranded. The graphics are actually quite good, and the underwater environment features some nice ambient lighting effects and a cool night/day transition, but there is no real-time lighting from your sub's lights (a shame) and the models used for enemies are quite basic. Also, whilst it all moves very smoothly, it's quite slow and the fogging is on a par with Turok on the N64. Furthermore, the game takes aaaaaages to get going proper and the disjointed way in which new objectives are added to your mission can be slightly annoying at times - especially when you havn't got a fucking clue where you're meant to be going or what you're meant to do when you get to your destination.

Deep Fighter makes great use of the Renderware 3 engine

Turok-style fogging: check

At this point, I'd also like to explain that Deep Fighter has one of the most confusing map screens I've ever seen; indeed, playing Panzer General is less complicated than trying to locate stuff on this map. However, once you get past these minor issues and get a few missions in, Deep Fighter becomes an accomplished little shooter - but hardly a must have title. As an added bit of trivia, Deep Fighter also features a character called Deav who you may recognise - He's played by a pre-Little Britain David Walliams. Indeed, the manual says of Deav:

"Deav is a brooding, focused individual. Although an excellent pilot he has always been somewhat overshadowed by Razz"

Hmmm. Sausages or Super Noodles for tea...?

Poor Deav - he's moved from the shadow of Razz, straight into the shadow of Matt Lucas.

Verdict: Decent Enough

Power Stone
If I remember rightly, Power Stone was part of the Dreamcast's highly impressive launch line up, but honestly, it could be released now and you'd still think it looked stunning. That's because it is, chums. Developed by one of the Dreamcast's premier supporters, Capcom, Power Stone - for the 7 people on Earth who've never played it - is a fully 3D, one-on-one scrapper where, rather than battle on a boring old square platform in the middle of the desert or a lake; you get to smash each other's faces in whilst jumping around fully interactive areas, complete with furniture, street lights, bins etc.

Most of the stuff featured in the environments can be used as a weapon (eg, pick up a table and chuck it at your opponent) or smashed up to reveal weapons like swords and flame throwers. The title derives from the way 'power stones' occasionally appear dotted around the level and if you manage to collect 3, your character mutates into an uber-version of themselves - usually complete with 12-ft thick armour and a whole pound-shop's worth of plastic weaponry sellotaped on. In this enhanced mode, you are given a licence to kick as much buttock as is humanly possible before the effect of the power stones wears off and you shink back to your original Dr David Banner style proportions.

The character select screen screams quality...

...As does the rest of the game

Visually, Power Stone sparkles - the whole affair is right out of the top of the wardrobe, let alone the drawers. The presentation is amazingly colourful and polished: even the character select screen looks great! The actual game doesn't let the side down either, as the character models and environments have been lovingly crafted and even when there's loads happening onscreen the action never slows down. Also of note if the superb animation of the characters - there are loads of little things they do but you probably won't notice due to the amount of pyrotechnics assaulting your optic nerve. Things like rolling over tables and the little sommersaults they do when jumping...it's a class act.

The characters at your disposal are a typical bunch of steretypes (big and slow/fast and weak), but the locales on offer throw up a few suprises: Londo (London), Mahdad (Baghdad)...and Manches (Manchester) all feature!

Verdict: Gordon Bennet!

Disney's Dinosaur
The official game of the computer generated movie released a few years ago. I must admit to never having seen the movie, but Dinosaur is quite a rare title these days so that's why I got it. Just covering my ass there, folks. Anyway - the game.

There was no book in the case when I got my hands on Dinosaur so I'm not entirely sure what the premise of the story is, but it opens with some fairly impressive and self explanatory footage from the film, and so I managed to deduce that you play as a group of young Dinosaurs who must attempt to get home to their part of the Jungle (a bit of a Land Before Time rip-off methinks). Rather than a simple platformer, Dinosaur takes the form of a sort of team based top-down puzzle game. You can switch between which of the prehistoric pals you play as by clicking the right trigger and make the whole gang follow the character you're controlling by clicking both triggers together. Dinosaur 1 - 0 Rainbow Six.

I think these are PSX shots to be honest

I couldn't even get past the first level...

The characters all have different attributes in that one is a flying thing, one is a dinosaur (soft arse herbivor, btw) and a one is a monkey-type job (I think). And that's all I can really say about Dinosaur...because I couldn't get past the first screen! No matter what I tried with the different characters, I couldn't get any of them out of the 'paddock' bit at the very start of the first level - invisible walls blocking my progress at every turn. I tried for about half an hour, pressing every button, trying every combination of characters...even walking around the invisible walls whilst hammering the buttons. Nothing. And all this was accompanied by the loudest disk-accessing noise I've ever heard. The graphics (what I could see of them) are pretty good - super sharp and hi-res, and the music is of typical Disney high quality...but due to the fact I couldn't actually get into the game proper...I'm unable to give a valid and proper account of the proceedings, hence:

Verdict: The 9/11 Report

Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation
Im pretty sure there's potential for a lawsuit with this game. It's called 'The Last Revelation,' but last time I checked, there were 86 more Tomb Raider games after this one. Anyhow, The Last Revelation is Lara Croft's first outing on the Dreamcast and a return to her Sega roots after Sony forced Eidos to ignore the Saturn by threatening to put flaming paper bags filled with shit on their doorstep, knock on the door and run off.

The Last Revelation follows on from the previous games in the series in that it's a 3D Indiana Jones type romp through various ruined cities and temples (but strangely, no tombs), where badly animated wolves with square bodies attempt to eat your face. These wolves and other foes can be dispatched with a few well placed bullets from your twin pistols, which leaves you free to get on with your quest of finding a big lever to pull. And that's Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation down to a tee. Run around, jump up a ledge, shoot some stuff, pull a lever, swim through some tunnels, jump up a ledge, pull a lever, shoot some stuff...ad nauseum. In an effort to add some spice to the game, the opening level sees you play as a 16-year-old Lara, complete with Ruud Van Nistelrooy's facial features, but in reality this section adds nothing new to the series - it's just plain old Tomb Raider with a shorter version of Croft to control.

Dreamcast Monthly magazine actually awarded The Last Revelation a score of 10/10 - higher than either Soul Calibur or Crazy Taxi. Is it really that good? The answer is quite clearly "NO" - preferably written in 13-mile-high flashing red letters. On the moon. 100% for a rush-job PC conversion?! I smell an Eidos-funded piss up, complete with buffet, at a certain publishing house...

You see, The Last Revelation hardly looks like it's running on 128-bit hardware. The framerate is inconsistent, the character models are basic, the level design is tedium incarnate and the scenery pop up - even when you're inside a building (!) - is fucking pathetic. TLR is a slap-dash conversion that makes no use of the extra power of the DC. It's still entertaining in it's own way, and the framerate is nowhere near as choppy as Shadowman's, but it's still lacklustre. Oh, and it apparently features music by 'Oakenfold.' A must-buy game then. Or not.

Verdict: Sloppier than diahorrea mixed with day-old Weetabix

So there it is. If you've actually read all that - hats off to you. I wouldn't have bothered personally, but it's all about personal choice...

...or is it?

Oh, and don't forget: It's the PAL Dreamcast's seventh birthday on Saturday. I've already put the balloons up and set out the paper plates and plastic cups. All I need now are some friends to eat this Aldi battenburg with.

Oh well, Sonic plushie, it's just me and you again. Sniff.

Surely This Can't be Right?

One of the problems associated with being a Dreamcast obsessive is that I spend more time reading the erudite postings of Teeleecee and the Gagaman, trawling eBay and Youtube for Dreamcast related guff, and chatting on forums about the finer points of Voldo's (frankly blatant) transvestite wardrobe malfunctions, than I do actually playing the damn console.
I must have over 90 games by now, and I've only ever really played about a quarter of them. Boil down that lot, to the ones I've ever truly got right into or clocked, and we're talking about ten.

So it was something of a revelation on Friday night when I discovered my newest favourite game. And its a footie game. Oh yes.
Now, as any of you regular readers will know, the Gagaman's dad is rather partial to a bit of Dreamcast footie. He's pretty good at it too, we're led to believe... And Teeleecee once made the outrageously controversial claim that 'UEFA Dream Soccer' was better than Pro Evo (yes he did really...) But common consensus is that when it came to football games, the Dreamcast never really cut the mustard. In fact it sucked big ones. We know those arseholes at EA Games never backed the DC, so it was left to Sega themselves (as well as developers such as Infogrames) to have a go at recreating the beautiful game. And do you know what? Those little software elves at Sega actually came upwith the goods in the shape of Sega Worldwide Soccer 2000 (Euro Edition).


But how did it find it's way into the Father's top slot? Cos I like you, I'll tell you, pull up a chair...
It went like this. My lifelong best mate Tay is my gaming nemesis. There is no one I enjoy beating the pants off, more than him. When he comes over to the lair, we usually have a bit of a fight on Soul Calibur (I win). We might indulge in a bit of a 'burn off' on V Rally or Sega Rally (he wins). Occasionally we get a bit 'Wimbledon' on each others ass with a session of Virtua Tennis.
Now the last footie game I had enjoyed was (I think) a game called imaginatively 'Euro 96' for the Saturn. Playing Pro Evo and Fifa with the two biggest Gingers was always a nightmare. The younger one induced a controller throwing huff in me last time we played, by bringing his goalie out to score two against me. The little shit.

But on this particular evening I fancied something different, something that involved grown men in tight figure hugging shorts getting physical with each other.
So the rarely played game was pulled off the shelves, dusted off and popped into the little white box.
The gameplay was fantastic, with a nice element of 'pick up and play'. The graphics are functional, no better. The goal keepers were effective, so getting a goal past them felt like a big acheivement. Passing and crossing were challenging, with the opponent usually ending up on the receiving end. Tackling was somewhat random, and although the ref was at times lenient, I got yellow carded very regularly throughout the series of matches that we played!

Players celebrations were hilariously camp, but had the desired effect of rubbing salt into the wounds of the opponent after a goal was scored- (as did the endless replays that could only be stopped when the scorer had had enough of watching their skills shown over and over!) A quick pull of the right trigger enabled one to do showboating turns and step overs, in the style of poncey Portugese winker, Ronaldo. But we don't want to say too much about that particular person do we?One sad feature of the game was that in 2000 when the game was released, my beloved Manchester City were wallowing in the First Division. On the flip side of the coin, my dad's beloved Sheffield Wednesday were making a rare appearance in the Premiership so I could play as them - (feel the Dad love growing throughout this post?) So there will be many more matches in the near future! A highly reccomended game!

If you are going to seek out this particular Dreamcast game make sure you get the Euro Edition.
Take this review of the resurrection of a failing title from Dreamcast Magazine issue 16:

Sega Worldwide Soccer 2000 -"Yet again we find Sega shooting itself in the foot by producing a totally sub-standard sports game for which there is no excuse. 62%" (Ouch!)

Sega Worldwide Soccer 2000 (Euro Edition) - "Talk about overhaul- this semi-sequel to an originally lack-lustre game totally changes everything. Its simply one of the most fun footie games EVER! 92%" (Hooray!)

October NiGHTS

Well, it's October - tenth month in our slightly flawed Gregorian calender, and the one which heralds the drawing in of the cold, the wind, the rain and the early nights. Of course, if you live anywhere near northern England, the cold, wind and rain is something you're probably already well accustomed to, as it's always fucking pissing down. Also, October sees the Dreamcast Junkyard's 10-month anniversary! Yep - 10 whole months of DC related guff - hard to imagine it all kicked off as a hideously geekish way of cataloging my fledgling collection, only to explode into what it is today: the Inter-Dimensional Hub of Slightly Surreal Dreamcast Related Ramblings (tm). Or IDHSSDRR (tm) for short.

Speaking of hubs (not to be confused with either 'humps' or 'lady lumps'), I recently came across a rather special Dreamcast related site: Dreamcast Scene. Here's their opening statement:

"Dreamcast-Scene (abbreviated as "DCS") is not only the world's largest database for every Dreamcast related subject, from games to merchandise to home development, but we also are a publisher with bureaus in Germany, USA, Canada and Japan."

And they're not lying either my unsweetened porridge-shunning friends. I understand that this may be old news to many (all 3) of you reading this now, but I bring DCS to your attention simply because they appear to still be bringing new...er...news on Dreamcast development to the fore - indeed, their pages give details on several recent homebrew game ports - namely a conversion of Jetpak, SDL Lopan (unfortunatley not a game about Jack Burton's nemesis from Big Trouble in Little China; but rather a Mahjong game), and most impressively a brand new DC title called DreamChess - which, in a feat of crytographic naming not seen since the discovery of the Voynich Manuscript - is a chess game. Fancy that!

They also offer a wide range of 'merchandise,' including T-shirts. But let's be frank here people - if you buy one and wear it, you're sadder than someone who writes in to Points of View complaining about Smirnoff Ice and WKD adverts (you know who you are). And that's coming from the guy who bought a Dreamcast jacket off eBay, but is afraid to wear it in public. Cough.

While we're indluging in a bit of linkage (in the obvious absence of real news), why not have a little look here. It's a fabulous site called How Stuff Works, and it features a really in-depth look at how the Dreamcast operates. Before reading it, I was always under the impression that hundreds of tiny transvestites lived inside my Dreamcast and it was their endevours (and a little bit of fairy dust from the nymphs living in the plug socket) that made it possible to play Daytona 2001 and Virtua Tennis 2. Apparently, this is not so - it's something to do with 'electricity,' 'processors' and 'memory' that makes the pretty pictures appear on the screen. Go there and see for yourself!

Again, Apologies for the lack of pictures. Blogger is virtually useless at the best of times, so we'll just have to make do with layouts similar to a piece of GCSE English Literature coursework until one of the 'engineers' sorts the image problems out.