Totally Ridiculous Comparisons: No. 2

In the last instalment of Totally Ridiculous Comparisons, The Dreamcast Junkyard promised that the next episode would feature a face off between V-Rally 2 and Rainbow Six. This has been changed at the last minute due to 'technical difficulties' (i.e. I have as much interest in either game as John Prescott (pictured) has in a Salad. And no, that doesn't count as mentioning politics because John Prescott isn't politics per se - he is merely an obese Yorkshireman with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp). Enough of this dilly-dallying!

"LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!" (TM 348B.C. - Michael Buffer Enterprises Inc.)

Super Runabout Versus Charge N' Blast

Graphics

Super Runabout isn't too shabby when it comes to looks. The pseudo free roaming environment is a real showcase of what can be achieved on the Dreamcast hardware. It isn't as good looking as say, Crazy Taxi 2 - but then, it's still not going to melt your eyes out of their sockets like at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where the Nazis open the Ark of the Covenant. There is a fair bit of pop up though and whats going on with the damage models? When you bash your car up, it takes on the appearence of a scrunched up crisp bag...but not. Play it yourself and you'll know what I mean.

Charge N Blast on the other hand does nothing really spectacular. Everything is nicely modelled, but the effects aren't exactly "Oh shit - how good does this look?!?!?!" A bit like the Martine McCutcheon of games - you would...but stunning? More functional. And that's Charge N Blast I'm talking about. There are some nice explosions thrown about, but it all looks a bit Lego.

Winner: Super Runabout

Sound

Oh dear, dear Lord. Is there a single game on the Dreamcast with a decent soundtrack? Super Runabout is bargain basement when it comes to sound. The cars appear to have 800 gears judging by the FX and the music is definatley of the supermarket-background-drone variety.

Charge N Blast has sound? In the immortal words of the DOOM manual when describing the Lost Soul: Nuff Said.

Winner: Super Runabout (barely)

Gameplay

You can choose to be either the cops or the...erm..delivery drivers. If you choose to play as the filth (local constabulary) you'll be asked to carry out such real life police work as collecting ingredients for hotdogs, smashing into bombs in order to 'safely' detonate them, and beating up innocent black people simply because you can. Actually - that's a lie. There is no hotdog collecting. Vehicle handling is best described as 'vague,' as you careen around the city in an almost uncontrollable manner destroying market stalls and shops fronts. Quite fun.

Charge N Blast is really just a fancy 3D update of Space Invaders - your robot can only be moved left and right along the bottom of the screen while you shoot the big nasty aliens with a 'myriad' of chargeable missiles, lasers and water pistols. You can also use harsh language if you wish, but that will just make you look like a retard. Before you think "Hmmm...He's likened it to Space Invaders...it must be alright..." IT'S NOT.

Winner: Super Runabout

Longevity

As mentioned, Runabout has two different scenario modes which in effect doubles the amount of time you can spend with it. There are 'emblems' to collect that will open up mini games and the like. I've been a bit hard on Runabout - it's actually a pretty good game. The missions do get a bit annoying as you get further into them because tighter time limits are imposed and the vehicle handling is frustrating, but overall there's quite a bit to see and do.

Once you've got to grips with the abominable controls (about 5 minutes), it'll become apparent that you are actually wasting precious seconds of your life. Imagine the Dreamcast swirl layed flat and then picked up from the centre so it hangs down like a particularly disgusting Christmas decoration from £-Stretcher. That is your Mortal Coil, and you are hurtling ever closer to the end...until eventually, you fall off.

Winner: Life outside the window.

Overall - Runabout: 3 Charge N Blast: 0




So there it is, my uber-cool Dreamcast loving Amigos. An FA Cup 'Liverpool 7 - Birmingham City 0' style routing of Charge N Blast by Super (De-dooper) Runabout. But with the added bonus of not having to look at Steve Bruce's appaling excuse for a face at the final whistle. GONCH*!!!

*This word has no actual meaning.

Tom Cruise, please DIE.

Yes, I've been away for several days in a land of pink dogs, talking clouds and various mushroom shaped things. It's called drugs, beer and bunking off boring 'work'. Amen.

In my absence, GT2 arrived - so this evening I decided to bother putting it in my drive and it predictably worked. It's very, very, very good - about 26.9% better than the F*CKING BORE-ATHON that is Sega's answer to the Polyphony Digital masterpiece, Sega GT. As a 100% Segaphile (that is, looking through PUB WINDOWS for OLD PEOPLE playing on GameGears/Nomads and wanking off*), I must admit that Sega GT is still a fairly passable 'GT' game, what with it's tuning and build a car options...but it just don't compete with Gran Turismo 2. Sad, but Christmas-destroyingly true.It only cost me £2.50 and I suspect my debit card actually bounced before the seller could get my cash, so I have the sneaking suspicion I got it for free. Therefore, I'm not complaining about the polygon tearing and full VMU for a save file...

I also nearly bought MDK2 and Record Of Lodoss War today, but realised that they were both a bag of shit so instead got myself a Big Mac Meal. In yo' face Morgan Spurlock. Incidentally, Record Of Lodoss War looks nowhere near as impressive as this image:
Last night I attempted to play Army Men: Sarge's Heores without breaking down into a tearful mess of a man. I managed to get to the third level before I seriously thought about picking up my SA80 and shooting my commanding officer...

Lastly, War Of The Worlds...Oh my FUCKING God. What the HELL is going on there? Tom Cruise rescuing his brattish kids from a war you never acually see? Do me a favour...
The original was ABOUT A WAR between Humans and Aliens. In that obscene waste of celulloid there is ONE scene where mankind fights back. And we get twatted (I presume, considering we NEVER ACTUALLY SEE FUCK ALL). Have a word with yourself Steven, you fucking Hollywood cunt.

*Disclaimer -this has been edited due to moral outrage.

Doppelganger

I've recently been trying to get into Shenmue after a friend raved about it to me for literally 3 minutes. I've been giving it a chance and have discovered the mystery of the '3 Blades' and am now wandering around the picuresque 80s town of Dobuita asking perfect strangers where Sailors hang out. Hmmm. Anyhow, Ryo was being a pestering nosey bastard in a barber's shop when I noticed a familiar face festooned on the wall...It's non other than injury prone, semi-decent nineties Tottenham Hotspur & England footballer Darren Anderton!

Illuminati

Enough of this emulation of inferior consoles. The PlayStation was a fine console for it's era and some would argue an icon of the nineties. But now it belongs in the bin, so let's move on eh? Oh, and I'm in the process of downloading a Sega Saturn emulator...NOW WE'RE TALKING!!! I can't convey in words my excitment levels...the promise of being able to play NiGHTS on my DC is the only thing currently keeping my life systems active.

Elsewhere...
The lying illuminati controlled puppet reading the BBC Early Evening News (George Alagiah, pictured) has just gleefully announced that inflation has risen 2% for the first time in five months due to the rising prices of games and books. Well it's obvious from that, that George Alagiah doesn't own a Dreamcast because yesterday I picked up Space Channel 5 and Army Men: Sarge's Heroes for under a fiver. If however, George is reading, and does actually own a Dreamcast - don't hesitate to get in touch and all the appropriate corrections will be made.

Being recognised as the campest thing since the Beatles released Penny Lane is no mean feat, but Space Channel 5 manages it with ease. In fact, it's camper that Graham Norton and Julian Clairy doing a duet version of Penny Lane, but the graphics are amazing so I'm prepared to risk the continued ridicule of my housemates for the pleasure. And that dancing...Ooh La La (geddit?! No, I've not turned gay and/or French - it's the name of the super chic future reporter who starts in Space Channel 5, Ulala). To be honest, Space Channel 5 is nowt more than Parappa the Rapper with flash visuals but in contrast to Sarge's Heroes it looks like the best thing since sliced bread.

I could go on to say that Sarge's Heroes tries to be so matcho that it actually goes full circle to usurp Space Channel 5 as the world's campest 'thing,' but it doesn't - it's just plain shite. Here's a snippet of the fun you can have in Sarge's Heroes:
And the tanks dissappear if you get too close to them!! Awesome! Good job it's not that easy in real life to make a tank vanish...master magicial Lance Burton would be out of a job and the Coalition assault on the oil markets - sorry 'terrorists' - in Iraq would be a be a little harder on the taxpayer's pocket. But politics has no place in the Dreamcast Junkyard and is henceforth banished! FOREVER.