Blancmange

The heavens opened earlier on this evening. It was quite spectacular - there was even a bit of Hollywood-calibre thunder and lightning thrown in for good measure. The thing is, I forgot that I'd left an upstairs window open, so whilst I was marvelling at the sudden summer hurricane, cup of tea in hand, thousands of gallons of acid rain were happily cascading through said window - and setting up camp all over my PC, desk, bed and curtains. As a result, it looks like I've pissed the bed (actually, I haven't done that for at least a month) and my computer is pretty fucked.

Oh, and England are, quite predicatably, out of the World Cup...in the quarters...on penalties...with 10 men. Still, at least cunting Sven's fucked off now - so there's a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

But as ever, and also quite predictably, I digress. In this maelstrom of football tears and rain (hmmm - James blunt references in the 'Yard? There's the unmistakable sound of 50 million readers deserting us), there have been two new purchases. Oh yes my good friends. Whilst David Beckam sits in his Platinum encrusted mansion, crying crocodile tears and commanding his house keeper at gunpoint to boil faberge eggs for his spoilt kids, Tomleecee was out in the urban jungle, pounding pavement scouting for Dreamcast games. And - you'll be pleased to hear - I got some. Well, two. And they are exactly 50% awesome. They are (start the fans, please...):

Fighting Force 2
Yes! This game has brought me a lot of joy. Almost as much joy as when Burke gets eaten in Aliens - the scumbag. But, this is a different kind of joy. A revelatory joy. Why? well, because with the purchase of Fighting Force 2, I have discovered a game that's actually worse that Army Men: Sarges Heroes! Yes, it's true I tell you! Here's a few hilarious reasons why:

• All of the 'baddies' look the same!
• The d-pad doubles up at the 'weapon select' and 'quick turn-around' command. Due to an hilarious oversight on the developers part, if you change weapons, you also spin around on the spot!
• The 'punch' button also doubles up as the button you need to use when you climb a ladder. If you aren't in the right postion to use the ladder, you just stand there punching air!
• The background bitmaps look like they were drawn in Paint on a 386 running Windows 3.1!

And there's more:

• Hawk Manson runs in slow-motion, so you get to see the five frames of animation in super detail mode!
• You can kick and punch baddies through walls, doors and ledges!
• The camera often gets stuck in the wall, so you can't see what you're doing!
• There is only one sound effect when you get hit by an enemy - and it sounds, well, a bit 'sexual' actually. Exclaimation!
• You can punch photocopiers and paper comes out!
• Boxes left next to locked cargo doors often contain the key for the very same door!

The list goes on, but you get the idea. To cap it off, there is literally no sound whatsoever (no, really - just silence) and the graphics are...well...hmmm. PSX anyone? The. Worst. Game. On. The. Dreamcast.

Thus far - that is. I believe there are some other fetid experiences out there, so the hunt goes on.

Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver
Yeah, yeah, yeah - I mentioned this one recently but you can't deny it's a class act. It's really only a tarted up version of the PS game, but tarted up beyond recognition. You play Raziel, a resurrected vampire who is ordered by an Elder God to track down and ultimatley take out the titular Kain. Just a bit of trivia for you, but the guy who voices the Elder God also does the story telling in Dragons Blood. True.


Anyhow, LOK:SR is one of the best platform adventures on the Dreamcast. The cut-scene graphics are pretty ropey by today's standards, as are the enemies - but the variation in gameplay, the animation, the way the world 'morphs' as you travel between the spirit world and the real world - it all smacks of extremely high production values. It's really good stuff, and the heavily story-driven plot just tops it off. And it's huge. I could kiss LOK's ass for much, much longer - but I'm sure you're bored shitless by now. It's like this: buy this game!

So there it is. 2 games. One shockingly good - the other just plain shocking. Now, please excuse me - i'm going out back to find a particularly long and thick plank of wood - preferably with a few rusty nails wedged into it. Then I'm going to Manchester Airport to await Christiano Ronaldo's return from Germany, at which point I will drive said plank towards his head at speed and continue to do so until his squirrel-like face looks less like Mr Nutz and more like a strawberry blancmange.

Phase One of Junkyard Domination

Introducing three reasons why the Dreamcast ruddy well rocks.






Why did I just post those? Well, if you clicked the clips above to go to their full pages, you may of noticed something they have in common. But excluding the fact hat they are all clips of Dreamcast games ripped from DreamOn demo discs, check out the author name on them all.

...

That's right, mates. I've set up a YouTube account just for Dreamcast content! This is just the first phase to a big project involving the Junkyard I have started, that you may see within the next few months! Here's a link to the account:

http://www.youtube.com/user/dreamcastjunkyard

You'll puke with pleasure! You'll vomit with excitement! You'll shit with fear!

Contraband

Hello there me hearties! Captain Gessler here! 3 parts gut, one part sea dog - but all man. Grrr.

It's been a good few weeks, but today has witnessed the arrival of a new shipment of contraband in the Dreamcast Junkyard. Before you all start getting giddy, it's not the usual type of contraband - you know, Rum, Tobacco, Silk and other such luxury items. No, I'm talking about GAMES my friends!

GAMES!

But what are they? Come and have a look inside my bulging sack...

Tadaa!

For the modest sum of ten gineas (pounds) I have managed to procure the services of four games, each with their own strengths but mostly fraught with ricketts:

• Toy Commander
• Dragons' Blood
• Record of Lodoss War
• Star Wars: Demolition

In reverse order, here are my views on each:

Star Wars: Demolition
Hmmm. A bit of a missed opportunity this. It's made by Luxoflux - the dude and dudettes behind the Vigilante 8 games, and it's quite apparent from the off that it's a basic whoring of the V8 engine (that's Vigilante 8 - not Chevrolet), only with slightly tidied up vehicle models. Basically, you careen around various Star Wars themed enclosed arenas (Hoth, Mos Eisley etc) and shoot other characters who are whizzing about in equally Star Wars-y vehicles like AT-STs and shit. Like I said, it's basically Vigilante 8 with Star Wars tacked on, and the graphics are really quite nice...but it plays like a drowned mongrel. The 'vehicles' float about with no real aim and the weapons on offer are totally uninspired - as are the majority of the levels. The Hoth one is quite cool, with AT-ATs plodding about but it begs the question - why didn't they just make a proper shoot 'em up, Shadows of the Empire-stylee instead? Rating: 5/10

It could have been so much better...

AT-STs on the Death Star surface? Do me a favour...

Record of Lodoss War
Not content with having one of the oddest names in the universe, Record of Lodoss War is also lumbered with being a complete miss-mash of game styles. Is it an RPG? Is it a really rubbish isometric scrolling beat 'em up? I'm not sure, but for all it's sins...I have to admit to really liking it. The intro scenes are a tad on the pathetic side (although never approaching the sheer horror of Soul Fighter's intro) and the graphics are quite similar to what you'd expect to see if you tried to draw a scene from Lord of the Rings on an Etch-A-Sketch, but it does hold a mysterious charm and has a story that is so contrived you can't help but be sucked in by it. Even the conversations with NPCs are shit - but it just begs to be played so you can see what happens next in the story. In layman's terms, it's the bastard lovechild of Dark Saviour and Crusader: No Remorse, but sadly doesn't feature a crow called Kaiser. DAMMIT. Rating: 7/10

Tentacles!

Pentacles!

Dragons' Blood
This was released to zero fanfare - I remember because it simply appeared out of thin air on the shelves of EB one lovely summer day in 2000. Known as Draconus: Cult of the Wyrm (what?!) in the US, Dragon's Blood is a 3D adventure game where you prance across misty fields and through castles and the like, slaying a whole bargain-bin full of cliched orcs, ogres, spiders, goblins and centaurs with either a sword, a boot or a bit of magic. You can play as either Cynric or Aeowyn (typical male/female warriors) although each adventre is pretty similar. The variation in the stages is quite good, as are the visuals as a whole, but it gets quite difficult as you progress and the amount of misting in the open areas approaches Turok levels in places. Also, in the later missions (as the architecture gets rather grandiose) the ugly face of horrific slowdown is reared - although we're not talking Shenmue Harbour, peeps. A decent adventure game overall. Rating: 6.5/10

Would you fuck with this geezer?

Hell Yeah! etc.

Toy Commander
Hell Fire! This is the kind of thing you expect on the Dreamcast. Sure, it was a launch title - but let's be honest - it's gotta be one of the best launch titles ever. I'd be amazed if there's anyone out there who doesn't own Toy Commander, but if you don't - get it. It sort of reminds me of Club Drive on the Jaguar (the house levels), only about a billion times better. You, as the title suggests, play a commander who has...er..command over a number of different toy war machines (tanks, planes, trucks, choppers etc) and must wage war against the despot toys who hold various areas of the house in their respective iron (plastic?) grips. Missions can be completed in any order and range from destroying enemy toy subs in a flooded kitchen; to rescuing scattered toy soldiers from the top bunk in a child's bedroom. After all the missions in a particular room have been completed, you get to battle against the 'boss' of the area, who usually tends to be a big motherfucker of a toy with plenty of missiles and other nasty means of killing you tucked in his pockets. The graphics are simply amazing - better than many second and third generation DC titles and are packed with colour and detail, whilst the gameplay is well balanced and a lot of fun. Toy Commander is one game you should really seek out. Rating: 9/10

5 past 9? Waaay past my bedtime...

Lovely carpet. Shame about the wallpaper.

Well, that's about enough excitement for me for one night. I need something really boring, dull, unimaginative, labourious and repetitive to help get me off to sleep. Where's that video of England's World Cup campaign got to...

The Joy of X

"Our mission is simple: to research and explore some of our favorite games and find out just what the developers originally had in mind."

That is the brave quote taken from the index page of this site, X-Cult.

It also goes on to state that "You won't fine any lame, half-assed theories or false info here, only the facts."

And quite right they are too. X-Cult are a group of gamers who look into the rumours, gossip and lore surrounding games development and try to find out any information on how various games were originally intended to play. The reason I have posted about X-Cult, though, is because they have a rather fascinating Dreamcast area that features screens of planned Dreamcast games you probably didn't even know existed, eg:

Midnight GT

Gun Valkyrie

Croc 2

AND...AND...AND...

the DC version of MAX PAYNE!!!

On top of that, they have a few videos of Max Payne, Geist Force and Castlevania Resurrection, and also a scan of an 'upcoming releases' leaflet thing (you know, those things that come folded up in the jewel case when you buy a game) that features a shit load of games that never saw the light of day (including Galleon) - so go there now and see these incredible sights for yourself!! Or don't.

It's entirely up to you. Unless you live in a country where the government watches your every move, in which case it's probably best to clear it with your area administrator first.