DEATH CRIMSON OX IN THE HOUSE!!

This is the only clip I could find on Youtube of my newest favourite game... It's frankly shit, and does nothing to actually show the greatness of the game. For a true reflection of the graphics and gameplay check the IGN link at the bottom of the DCOX post underneath... However the Drum and Bass soundtrack is worth a post on it's own... turn your speakers up loud and enjoy!!

Death Crimson OX Review

Well they say in this life you get what you wish for... And I wished for Death Crimson OX and I got it...

Universally panned in every review I've ever read, I felt undeterred and searched eBay for this coveted treasure.

In Samuel Beckett's frankly fucking depressing masterpiece "Waiting For Godot", the hopeless central charatcers, Estragon and Pozzo, trapped in a hostile limbo-like wasteland, resort to insulting each other... After exchanging swearwords, profanities and a variety of scathing comments about each other, the ultimate insult to be levelled is "CRITIC!"



"Yer fecking big CRITIC!!"

This was Beckett's way of replying to those who had poured scorn over his writing, because they had not 'got it', and often were so puffed up with their own smug sense of self worth, that they had missed the point of the work they were reviewing.



"Father Krishna!" I hear you cry "What the fuck is this? Some poncey, Open University, literary analysis, or a shitting games review for fucks sake?" (Ahem!) and to you I say, "Calm down oh reader...I'm getting to the point..."

It's the same with games reviewers.

Frankly I think a lot of games reviewers and 'experts' are:

a.) Up their own arse
b.) Overly critical of the genre
c.) Trying to score points with their smug sense of self satisfaction
d.) Very much in need of a good shag/An excursion away from their consoles and into the real fucking world....


















The game is a Light Gun game for fucks sake! A port of an arcade blaster! A mindless 'shoot'em up'! A lovely psychedelic slaughterfest, with a thinly veiled plot... there's no need to 'wax lyrical' about the finer points of frame rates, the subtelties of pixellation, the nuances of character or the profundities of the moral lessons learned throughout it's sub-plot...

Before I get any further on with my my soap box rant let's look at the (admittedly) poo storyline...
(This is the blurb off the back of the box...)

'July 29, 2010. The beautiful city of Saronica is destroyed by the mysterious SMO. Agents, known as Subliminers, are placed throughout the city to opress the populace. Survivors form the Resistance and fiercely engage SMO forces in battle. The Resistance is led by the elusive Lily, who also makes a mean dish of macaroni and cheese. (I kid you fucking not... FK)
Segue to Agent Kou Yanami, tortured with doubt over his employer's policies. he seizes two pistols from SMO's arsenal and joins the Resistance forces.His pistols are the Crimson, ancient super weapons,. lily attempts to shelter Kou, from his dogged pursuers but in turn falls prey to SMO. Now, Kou Yanami and Lily's daughter, Yuri, set out to free her... and blow away any SMO Subliminers who get in their way...'

So there you have it! Not fucking revolutionary, but not that much inferior to the plot line of HOTD 2 for example... Let's not forget, the game is about blowing away monsters, skeletons, zombies, robots and hulkng behemoths wielding swords... How much plot do you need? Did Asteroids need a plot ? (A lone ship in a barren Universe... Astronauts Chad Thwackerman and his latent homosexual lieutenant , Charles Blanchefort suddenly discover they are facing a hail of meteoric appocalypse... ) PUR-LEASE!




Similarly, the use of text representation of character's speech, rather than spoken word? Is that a massive problem?

Did HOTD2 scour the acting world for the cream of vocal excellence...HELL NO! Did bad voice acting affect the game? NO!

The graphics, whilst not the best, are vividly colourful and imaginative. The game has a good variety of villains to plug away at. Like HOTD2 and Virtua Cop, there are innocent civillians to avoid, weapon upgrades and 'life-ups' to discover. At the end of the level there are Bosses to defeat (one with a blob of shite on the end of his sabre - known as (LOL) "The Sword Of Stink"!

The one problem I have with the game is a minor one and I'm coming to terms with it quickly.
The shooting method is totally different to Virtua Cop, HOTD2 or Confidential Mission.
On my screen (though not on the video on the IGN link below) there is a moveable target. You use the D pad on the gun to aim it at your adverasies. Reloading is acheived with the a press of the B button, which means having to use both hands whilst firing... ho hum!





There are a number of modes in which to play the game, Mission Mode, Story Mode and Bullet Mode, the latter involving slaying your many faceted foes, with the minimum amount of ammo...
I managed in two attempts on 'easy' option on Story Mode to clear two stages, earning me a place on the leader board, and got to input my initials. Go me! Longevity of gameplay is not an issue for me, I like the odd game that I can just pick up and play, revisit when I want to and leave if I want... This little baby fits the bill. I won't play it to death, won't obsess about completion, or feel that I've been undersold as a result. The only two Dreamcast games which have had me hooked in that respect are Shenmue 1 & 2 and Soul Calibur (Mission Mode). As a devoted family man (!) I simply haven't the time to devote lots of hours to gameplay, so a half hour of blasting away at monsters, or a quick spin in a Crazy Taxi, are the sought of things that can provide a short burst of escapism. Plus I have too many games which I've bought and never played meaning I can discover a 'new' hidden gem at any time!

So, all in all Death Crimson OX is a winner for me.... 'it does what it says on the tin' ...it delivers the goods... And I'll award it a generous 7.5/10 for overall gameplay!

However if you want to read harsher reviews (and also look at some great CD-OX video) you can do so here, here and here. For all the boring specs and details you can look here...

And remember people the best review a game can get is the one you give it... If you are unsure of a current game rent it... A duff retro purchase can always be traded at your local Gamestation for something you like better.

Oh and BTW I've just found out that Death Crimson OX is the favourite game of alcoholic flange flasher Lindsay Lohan! Who'd a thunk it!?




Good night dear children wherever you are...

Dreamcast Half-Life

The Internet...Bloody Marvellous! It allowed me to procure a lovely Treamcast. It allowed me to discover this wonderful 'Yard. It has lead me to discover more about gaming in less than twelve months, than I had known in the preceeding thirty years... and it allowed Tomleecee to procure 'Vapourware', cancelled Dreamcast games that were never released, including Half Life for the DC.(See October's Archive posts.)

Whilst posting a sterling review of this game with screenshots, I thought regular readers might enjoy the somewhat late addition of this little video clip discovered by Deitrix... which has got my Dreamcast juices flowing.

As Tom pointed out recently, it's getting increasingly difficult to find stuff to post about a console that has been 'resting' for 6 years... But we'll keep on trying...

Oh and I will endeavour to play Death Crimson OX enough to write a full review sometime soon.

Peace out! Happy New Year!

Beta Powered!

WA-HEY! It's 200,000,000,007! Have a look out of the window. Look at all the flying cars, houses on sticks (left) and Michael J. Fox on a skateboard with no wheels being chased by Biff Tannen and his mates. Oh, and the Junkyard has finally made the Quantum Leap to Beta. Cool eh? EH?!

Actually, it looks the same as 2006 to me - SHITE. Outside, that is - still cold, still grey and still populated by CRETINS. And on top of that, it looks like blasting around in a plutonium and/or garbage powered DeLorean has had some adverse effects of Mr J. Fox's nervous system. Ho hum.

Anyway, I'm temporarily back from my quite hideous trip into the realm of the World Police, and thought I'd swing by the 'Yard to see how FatherKrishna and The Gagaman(n) were keeping the side up in my abscence. Verdict: I can see that they've done a quite stirling job - HUZZAH. Cough.

Much like a post of old, this diatribe isn't really going anywhere Dreamcast related simply because I haven't been able to get my gnarled and almost root-like hands on any DC paraphernalia for almost two months. I did see a copy of Evil Dead: Hail to the King t'other day, but I didn't think it warranted putting my hand into the pile of dog shite it was encapsulated by. Oh, and that Dreamcast towel I was harping on about a few months back is actually more like a flannel than the beach towel it was advertsied as. Negative eBay feedback, how I love thee.

I did, however, swallow my big, blue, SEGA-sponsored pride and buy a PSP a few weeks ago, and I have to say that I'm thoroughly impressed with the quality of the thing, if not overly impressed with the selection of games on offer. But why wax on (or off) about the PSP on a Dreamcast blog? Well, I also happened to pick up a copy of Virtua Tennis World Tour, which is basically Virtua Tennis 2 with an updated roster of tennis stars and a few new mini games...and that's it! Even the 'career' aspect is i-fucking-dentical to the DC version's - yep, even the pointless and infuriating way you have to create both a male and female character to train. Sheesh. Not that I'm complaining about the similarities - indeed, Virtua Tennis 2 is still the best Tennis game availible on any system. I just thought that, you know, Sega would be good enough to make Virtua Tennis World Tour more of an update than a blatant port. Humph.

Quite why Tim Henman is still required isn't entirely clear...

I suppose though, that what I'm getting at is that the memory of the Dreamcast is still surviving in the technology of today! That residue of the Dreamcast is still...still...CONTEMPORARY, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Furthermore, a popular clothing store by the name of Republic is flogging a range of 'fashionable' bits of cloth under the brand 'Soul Cal.' Ring any bells? I'm penning a letter to Namco as I write this. I knew that third arm implant would one day come in handy (cue canned laughter).


In other Sony related news, I had a blast on a "PlayStation 3" (or something) earlier this week. What happened to the cool looking 'boomerang' style joypad?

"Cool!" I thought when I first saw it, "A pad that comes back and hits you in the face when you throw it at the telly because you've been killed for the tenth time IN THE SAME SPOT..." Ahem.

No - they've reverted back to the boring old Dual Shock!! WHY?! Anyway, I had a go on Ridge Racer. Nowt special I'm happy to report...and the console is fucking HUR-UGE! It makes the 360 look like a matchbox. If the current tred continues, consoles in the real future (as opposed to boring old 2007) will come with their own nuclear powerstations. Or in the Xbox 1080's case, sold seperatley. For the price of £YourSoul.99

Oh, and I completed Blue Shift on the Dreamcast. Go me!