Daylight Robbery

As is customary on most Saturday afternoons, yesterday I found myself in the local game shop handing over hard earned cash for Dreamcast games. In the eyes of some people, this probably seems like a pretty bizarre notion - indeed, one youngster who was stood behind me in the queue at the checkout was obviously totally bemused by the sky-blue cases I had in my hand. With hindsight, I should have explained to him the lengthy tale of a great console, lost in time but whose lagacy still lives on in so many wonderful ways...but as we live in an age of tabloid frenzied paranoia, I thought it best not to even look in the little lad's direction for fear of being accused of trying to abduct him.

Now, yesterday's haul wasn't the most fruitful. The games I decided to get were Suzuki Alstare Racing and Speed Devils Online. I realised that without an online connection (and the fact that the servers probably lie dormant in a dark, dusty room in an abandoned warehouse), I wouldnt be able to play Speed Devils Online...erm..online. But, as one would deduce using only the most meagre amount of brain power - Speed Devils Online (SDO) must be superior to the original in single player because it is the pseudo sequel. Surely, if anything it should be identical? Wrong.

What Ubisoft have actually done with SDO is strip out the entire single player game from the original and replace it with a 'single race' mode with all of the unlockale cars, tracks etc already fully availible. Why?!?!? The single player aspects of the original where what made it so good. The gambling of cash, the upgrading, the rivalries between racers...All gone!

And on top of that (get this), the graphics are actually worse in SDO than in the first game. How? Why? I don't know but the original looks pretty sweet - very smooth, very shiny and with some great lighting effects. SDO has blurred, grainy textures and is about as much fun as sitting on a knitting needle. And the cars don't turn anymore. You just have to make do with hitting the walls at every turn and scraping around. Believe me, this ain't no Daytona 2001.

Suzuki Alstare on the other hand allows me to play the first track in arcade mode...then hangs on the loading screen. From what I've played of it (and remember from the first time I owned a Dreamcast while it was actually still in the picture), Suzuki isn't a bad little game at all. It's certainly very playable and the bikes handle really well. Graphics are certainly colourful but hardly spectaular...but overall quite pleasant. I was considering taking them back to the shop for either a refund or an exchange, but to be fair they only cost £2.50 each and it's not worth the hassle, so they'll be consigned to a special area of the Junkyard called 'the shed'.

Gentlemen, SARS your engines...

After a lengthy discussion with one of my housemates (also called Tom), today saw me come to the conclusion that 'The Future' is shit. Point in case - the future has lasers. We have machine guns. You can see a fucking laser blast coming towards you...try dodging a bullet. Quite.
Unless your name is Thomas 'Neo' Anderson (another plug for the name Thomas, by the way), you ain't dodging shit my friend.

So lets look at the facts. The future has lasers, Alien invasion from hostile forces, terrorism, SARS, Bird Flu and Ebola. The future also has PS3, Revolution (smirk) and the 360 (even broader smirk). The past has Robin Hood, the discovery of a large black obelisk by a group of homo-sapiens and the creation of the wrestling move 'The Walls of Jericho.' The past also has the Deamcast and Daytona 2001.

Harnessing the power of the past and the sheer number crunching might of Pythagoras(pictured, yesterday)'s ghost , the Dreamcast Junkyard's continent sized mainframe has devised the following equation, where the past = E, the present = D, the future = R, games = s, originality = A and Peace on Earth = C+AM2-T:

D+R = E - AM2 (A x s) T

So there it is. Maths turns up the funniest things dunnit?!

And here's my review of Daytona USA 2001. Now, where's the fucking 'off' switch...the fan on this mainframe is driving me mad...Above: God Bless Daytona, and all who sail upon her. Amen. Now, where's me Tennent's Super got to...

Mork calling Orson, Come in Orson...

Over the last couple of days, I believe I have discovered a new 'emotion.' It's a sort of warm, fuzzy feeling that captures my whole body and makes me shake all over. I believe hu-mans call it 'love.' Yes, my Dreamcasting friends, I have fallen in love...with VIRTUA TENNIS 2!! Had you going there didn't I?! eh? Well, the joke's on YOU - puny, flawed, carbon-based lifeforms!

Yeah...the joke's on you...*sniff*

But enough of this ridiculous bullshit (see above). You see, my bedroom is quickly becoming a sort of archive of Dreamcast related stuff. I can't even sleep in my bed because one of the lightguns has shacked up with the keyboard in it. Now I sleep under the desk while those two dirty bastards make weird noises and giggle...filthy bastards. But I digress so I'll start again. You see, because I have so many games (56, no less), I find I never have the time to play any of them to any great extent before another one clamours for my attention.

Not so with Virtua Tennis 2.

For this game I would happily climb to the summit of Mount Olympus, olive wreath in hand; toga across my broad metallic shoulders, and wrestle with Zeus the Cloud Gatherer (pictured) in an awesome battle to control time itself - just to create longer periods of 'spare' time in which to play one more match of Virtua Tennis 2.

You see, everything about VT2 is sublime. The animation is freaking amazing! you know in some games where the characters carry out their pre-defined animation and then it sort of stops and then defaults to just standing there? WELL THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN IN VIRTUA TENNIS 2!! Even better, you know how female tennis players let out that orgasmic scream when they hit a particularly hard volley and you just want them to SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!?! Well, my fine bespectacled chums - that happens too. Quality. And you know how Tim Henman is fucking shit at tennis in real life? Well, yeah - you guessed it.

A bit of advice for Tim just in case he's reading: Tim, you posh twat - fuck off and stop getting the hopes of the nation up every single year at Wimbledon before ruthlessly dashing them and promising to come back next year and win. It aint gonna happen: You can't even win in Virtua Tennis 2, how you gonna win in real friggin' life?!?! Harsh, yes - but Galactic Empire defeatingly fair.

Anyway, I'm just off to make love to...er...'play' Virtua Tennis 2. Just a final thought...wonder what the kids would look like if that lightgun gets the keyboard pregnant...?












Just a final, final thought: look at these two different boxes for the PAL version of VT2 (above). The one on the left is the UK version, whilst the one on the right is...well from where? Spot the difference? The Williams sisters have been airbrushed out - bizarre only because they feature on every other box I can find be it PAL or NTSC (see further below).

It's time to spend some Crazy Money!

Today two new items have been added to the 'Yard. One of them is a Dreamcast game...the other is a coffee cafetiere cup. You put the ground coffee in the cup, add hot water then push the plunger thing down. Why am I telling you this? Because I've already had two cups out of it and feel like crawling across the ceiling like the xenomorph in Alien 3.

Oh yes...the game? THE GAME!!! Er...wait, er...what? Oh yeah - the game! Crazy Taxi! Saw it for £2 in a second hand shop this lunchtime so snapped it up no questions asked. Some people reckon it's actually superior to the sequel and in some ways I'd be inclined to agree. The cities in the first game are a lot more inventive with more open spaces to blaze across. The pop-up can be pretty horrific in places and some of the city's locations are plagued by mysterious bouts of slow-down, but the sound track is superior (even if The Offspring ain't your cup of tea...or freshly brewed arabica) and it just feels more...original. I know that's a set of fairly vague reasons for preferring the original, but I think anyone else who also owns both games would tend to agree that the first Crazy Taxi has a certain something that the sequel doesn't. Quite possibly a soul. Hmmm...

Anyway, if you ever happen to be on Fountain Street in Manchester here's a word of advice - don't go into the newsagents next door to 'Great American Sandwich,' because the thieving twats have the cheek to charge 95p for a bottle of Lucozade. And me writing that ain't scandalous - it's the fucking truth. Peace.

And before I forget AGAIN...here's my views on the fabulous Metropolis Street Racer (pictured below).Found these other DC mock up's while browsing the net...they're pretty good eh?!