Sublime Idiocy

Anyone remember that semi-decent Jude Law film eXistenZ from a few years back? What you probably didn't know is that Sega sponsored it's cinema release here in the United Kingdom in order to expose the Dreamcast to a wider audience. Want proof? Here you go:
What do you mean you can't see the Dreamcast logo? Look just under the big 'Z.' That is a Blue Dreamcast swirl, my good (wo)man*. Clear as day, that. Nice one Sega.

Also, top marks for sponsoring a film where everyone who plays games turns into a HOMICIDAL MANIAC with MENTAL PROBLEMS.

*Gotta be politically correct these days...but lets be honest, if there's a single female reading this page, I'll eat my own scrotum.

Lawsuit Imminent

You may have seen this before, but it's still an interesting piece of kit - it's the Treamcast. It's a 100% totally unofficial Dreamcast clone that features a built in LCD screen and VCD player. Apparently, Sega arent too happy with it's very existence and so it is becoming quite a desirable piece of kit because there's a chance it won't be around for much longer. However, with Sega's budget only able to afford Lionel Hutz, don't quote me on that.

I don't have one myself, these are merely pictures robbed off Google. I'm not too sure about those pads though...they look like Saturn pads, and where does the VMU go? If you'd like to know more about this curiosity, please click here to read a hardware review courtesy of Devcast, an awesome site dedicated to the modification and surgical enhancement of Dreamcast hardware.

They Think It's all Over...Oh, it is. 4 years ago.

As I looked longingly at my housemate's copy of Pro Evolution Soccer 5, I found myself not only crying inside, but also pondering: Why are all the football games on the Dreamcast shite? There isn't a single decent footy game on the DC. Virtua Striker 2: WANK; Dream Soccer: WANK; European Super League: ABHORRENT. So, here as evidence are exhibits A, B, C, D and E to support my claim that the Dreamcast has the worst football games of any console ever released.

Exhibit A: Virtua Striker 2

Ok, so it's an arcade port...but why port an unplayable abomination like this? Even when you're playing it in the pub after several pints of Stella, this is still crap. You can't change the view, there is that awful "swoosh" noise when you tackle another player, commentary consists of "GOOOOOOAL!" The graphics are decent, but the rest is as comparable to real football as Peter Jackson's King Kong is to a trip to Knowsley Safari Park.

Exhibit B: European Super League

It has 16 teams. There is no commentary. It is unplayable. It has graphics like a Master System game. Do me a favour.

Exhibit C: 90 Minutes
Ho ho...this is so bad it's actually good!!! God, where do I start with 90 Minutes? I don't think my vocabulary is wide enough to fully describe how horrific 90 Minutes is...it's even got spelling mistakes and the grammar on the options screen is as if it has been translated from Japanese, to Ancient Greek, to fucking Klingon and then into English. Awesomely bad.

Exhibit D: UEFA Dream Soccer
OK, so its not as bad as the others listed here, but whats with the Benny Hill style running animation? Also - if you line up a shot at goal, the player spins round and kicks in the opposite direction...but the ball still flies toward the goal! Terrific. How did they miss that in playtesting...come to think of it, how did they miss the rest of the shit enclosed within this GD-Rom? And a woman commentating on football? SACRELIDGE! She's only there to look at "Bavid Deckhum"'s arse.

Exhibit E: Worldwide Soccer 2000
Not, as I was hoping, an update of the Earth shattering Saturn footy game Sega Worldwide Soccer '97. No, it's actually an update of smelly PSX footy game World League Soccer. It's even got the same commentary, poo graphics and cheap scoring methods. Silicon Dreams, you are the games developing equivalent of Andy Capp, you lazy gits.

Exhibit F: Worldwide Soccer: Euro Edition
The same as 2000, but with the most contradictory name since the
American baseball league decided to call it's premier competition the World Series.

Exhibit G: Xzibit
Oh Dear. His real name is Alvin Joiner and that's not his real voice...a 12 foot robot was sent back in time from the year 2376 and stands behind him in stealth mode - Alvin moves his mouth and the robot speaks. Tragic.


So there you have it. While the Dreamcast kicks a veritable black hole of arse when it comes to other sports* - Ice Hockey (NHL 2K), Nascar (Daytona), Tennis (Virtua Tennis 2), Athletics (ESPN Track & Field), F1 (F1 World Grand Prix 2), NFL (NFL Blitz), Rally (Sega Rally 2) and even squashing mice into a rocket before a huge cartoon cat gets them (Chu Chu Rocket)...it absolutley stinks when it comes to football. Bah.

Heres hoping the Dreamcast 2 gets the footy game it deserves.

* I've left out WWF Royal Rumble simply because I find the girth of Kurt Angle's neck morally wrong.

Also, many thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday on Saturday 4th March. Click here to see how many cards I got!

Totally Ridiculous Comparisons: No. 1

Seeing as today is my birthday (24 years old no less - and still playing games *tsk*), The Dreamcast Junkyard would like to use this joyous occasion to introduce the first in a new series of review based features: Totally Ridiculous Comparisons. Yes, as the name so cheekily hints at, this involves comparing two games that shouldnt really ever occupy the same sentence - let along be thrown into a 6 ft deep, shite filled pit together and ordered at gun point to scratch each others eyes out, pull each others hair and generally be unkind to each other.

First up:

Ferrari F355 Challenge Versus Star Wars Episode 1: Racer*

*This is mainly because they were bought at the same time (F355 came free with Racer), but I thought it would be fun anyway. So, how do they compare Monsieur?

Graphics

F355 is a graphical marvel. It looks so realistic it's frightening. I will however refrain from using the phrase 'so realistic you can smell the exhaust fumes,' for fear of being mistaken for a staff writer on an actual magazine. Tracks are gorgeous, cars are lovingly re-created and, well it's just generally lovely. No complaints here.

Racer is a blatant port of the PC/N64 version. While it has a higher frame rate and resolution than the Nintendo variant, it appears to be practically identical to the PC one. This doesn't mean it sucks, but it looks quite basic in comparison to F355. It moves at a fair old pace, though - and the tracks are quite imaginitive and stuffed full of detail. Some pretty dodgy textures in places though.

Winner: F355

Sound

Hmm, F355 is a mixed bag really. Has some excellent engine effects - really meaty and powerful sounding - just like a real Ferrari (I'd imagine, never having heard one in real life), BUT THAT MUSIC?! Jesus H. Christ...what is it? It sounds like a rock medly is about to kick in, but then some sort of Radio DJ pops up talking shite. I turned it down just incase one of my house mates heard it and thought I was into White Snake.

Cracking intro music - very rousing. Music on the menu screens is replaced with background noise from the Canteena where the game hub is based. In-game orchestral music is very subtle but seems to build up and get louder just as something good happens...I can't really describe it - maybe it's just coincidence that the music gets louder when you're battling for first place...but it does. Sound effects are top class too.

Winner: Racer

Gameplay:

This is horrible. There are so many driving assists it hurts. Granted, you can turn them off if you so wish but that just makes this twat of a game even worse. There is only the one in car view aswell (I know this is due to the 3 screen arcade heritage), which makes it hard to judge the virtual size of the rest of your vehicle and its dimensions on the track. This makes it difficult to hug a right hand turn because the F355 is left hand drive and you can't see where the right side of the car ends. Also: this game is way too hard. Yawn. Next.

Racer is like a polar opposite of F355. It's easy to pick up and play and is actually very enjoyable. Tight controls, excellent track design. No major problems.

Winner: Racer

Longevity:

You'l play F355 maybe 3 times before you realise it is impossible to a) win or b) complete a lap without finishing it in 7th or 8th place. Some stuff to unlock, but it'l be back on the shelf before you realise (or care).

Loads of tracks and vehicles to unlock. Great career mode and lots of upgrades to purchase with your hard won Trugguts. You'll be playing for ages.

Winner: Racer

Overall - F355: 1 Racer: 3

In the immortal words of Alan Sugar (or Donald Trump for our American readers) F355 - You're Fired. Here's your P45...Now get the fuck out of my face.

If you you can stomach reading even more bollocks about these two, check out my reviews of F355 here and Racer here

Next Time: Mr Thomas B. Clancy's Rainbow Six Versus Mr Bruno Bonnell's V-Rally 2! I can't wait...

Now though, I'm off to celebrate getting another year closer to my inevitable coffin by drinking unholy ammounts of beer and taking as many drugs as I can buy with the money from my pawned Dreamcast games. See you all in A & E!