They Think It's all Over...Oh, it is. 4 years ago.

As I looked longingly at my housemate's copy of Pro Evolution Soccer 5, I found myself not only crying inside, but also pondering: Why are all the football games on the Dreamcast shite? There isn't a single decent footy game on the DC. Virtua Striker 2: WANK; Dream Soccer: WANK; European Super League: ABHORRENT. So, here as evidence are exhibits A, B, C, D and E to support my claim that the Dreamcast has the worst football games of any console ever released.

Exhibit A: Virtua Striker 2
Ok, so it's an arcade port...but why port an unplayable abomination like this? Even when you're playing it in the pub after several pints of Stella, this is still crap. You can't change the view, there is that awful "swoosh" noise when you tackle another player, commentary consists of "GOOOOOOAL!" The graphics are decent, but the rest is as comparable to real football as Peter Jackson's King Kong is to a trip to Knowsley Safari Park.

Exhibit B: European Super League
It has 16 teams. There is no commentary. It is unplayable. It has graphics like a Master System game. Do me a favour.

Exhibit C: 90 Minutes
Ho ho...this is so bad it's actually good!!! God, where do I start with 90 Minutes? I don't think my vocabulary is wide enough to fully describe how horrific 90 Minutes's even got spelling mistakes and the grammar on the options screen is as if it has been translated from Japanese, to Ancient Greek, to fucking Klingon and then into English. Awesomely bad.

Exhibit D: UEFA Dream Soccer
OK, so its not as bad as the others listed here, but whats with the Benny Hill style running animation? Also - if you line up a shot at goal, the player spins round and kicks in the opposite direction...but the ball still flies toward the goal! Terrific. How did they miss that in playtesting...come to think of it, how did they miss the rest of the shit enclosed within this GD-Rom? And a woman commentating on football? SACRELIDGE! She's only there to look at "Bavid Deckhum"'s arse.

Exhibit E: Worldwide Soccer 2000
Not, as I was hoping, an update of the Earth shattering Saturn footy game Sega Worldwide Soccer '97. No, it's actually an update of smelly PSX footy game World League Soccer. It's even got the same commentary, poo graphics and cheap scoring methods. Silicon Dreams, you are the games developing equivalent of Andy Capp, you lazy gits.

Exhibit F: Worldwide Soccer: Euro Edition
The same as 2000, but with the most contradictory name since the
American baseball league decided to call it's premier competition the World Series.

Exhibit G: Xzibit
Oh Dear. His real name is Alvin Joiner and that's not his real voice...a 12 foot robot was sent back in time from the year 2376 and stands behind him in stealth mode - Alvin moves his mouth and the robot speaks. Tragic.

So there you have it. While the Dreamcast kicks a veritable black hole of arse when it comes to other sports* - Ice Hockey (NHL 2K), Nascar (Daytona), Tennis (Virtua Tennis 2), Athletics (ESPN Track & Field), F1 (F1 World Grand Prix 2), NFL (NFL Blitz), Rally (Sega Rally 2) and even squashing mice into a rocket before a huge cartoon cat gets them (Chu Chu Rocket) absolutley stinks when it comes to football. Bah.

Heres hoping the Dreamcast 2 gets the footy game it deserves.

* I've left out WWF Royal Rumble simply because I find the girth of Kurt Angle's neck morally wrong.

Also, many thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday on Saturday 4th March. Click here to see how many cards I got!


Anonymous said...

Yes, you need an X-box for the recent FIFA games to provide brief joy followed by comforting disapointment. I have to say Xzibit serves us badly in any form and more so than usual as a football game. My ride is fine as it is, thanks, Xzibit- perhaps you should consider appearing on Pimp My Manners with James Mason.

So... yeah, football games... Is Pro Evo 5 any good then?

Anonymous said...

you made a very valid point with this because your right the only foobtall game I got for my dreamcast , uefa football isnt that good either and the rest look every bit as terrible as you described them . I think its because the dreamcast never got any real support from the big sports giants like EA , and so had to make their own team of designers so guess it wasnt that bad after all.

Hey sorry to see your bruatally honesty in being able to say you got 0 cards , I only got a few too anyway back in December , what matters is people you care there for you (sorry if i sound all mushy ). If I had an email I would have send you an e card from hallmark , I always do that to my mates :P.

Great reading your blogs here as always and know what my mate is always going on how pro evo 5 is really a top game , that it makes me want to really try it too.

Tom Charnock said...

Thanx for the comments -

I forgot to include UEFA Striker, but that's pretty bad too. Yeah, Pro Evo 5 is way more realistic than the other games...I recommend it.

Ha Ha, On the subject of Pimp My Manners, I'd like to see 'Pimp My Moaning Posh Face With An Ice Pick.' With James Blunt.

Son_et_lumiere said...

You don't really mean that about 360 being like a Dreamcast 2? Because that is sacrilege. Or do you mean that it'll fail?

1UP seems to hold your viewpoint:

Tom Charnock said...

It'l fail. Just read my housemate's copy of '360' magazine. There's nothing in there that'll make Sony or Nintendo care that the 360 even exists.

Tom Charnock said...

thats a great link too

Ross said...

I saw Virtual Striker for the DS for $1 and I still didnt touch it.

Ross said...

I meant 'DC', not 'DS'...

Tom Charnock said...

yeah - its a soon!

Tom Charnock said...

but ross...tell me more about this land where DC games only cost $1...