What a week it's been eh? Russel Brand (cock) and Jonathan Ross (arsehole) drown in a pool of their own turgid smugness, Hallow e'en comes and goes without even a hint of Armageddon/unleashing of the Legions of Hell (dammit), and the Dreamcast Junkyard gets a long overdue makeover (awesome). It's been emotional, people. Not, however, as 'emotional' as I've been in recent days. And by emotional, I - of course - mean 'synapse-endangeringly furious.' Why so? Three words:1) Super
2) Magnetic
3) Neo
You know that old adage about the Devil disguising himself as something nice in order to appear more enticing? Well, meet the Devil. In the form of this little cunt:

Yes, I bought Super Magnetic Neo off eBay for the princely sum of £3.00 or thereabouts, and was expecting a colourful yet slightly childish romp through candy-cane worlds populated by jelly babies. And to a certain degree, I was right. You see, visually, Super Magnetic Neo is like an uber acid trip, helped on it's way by a couple of lines of coke, a bottle of JD and a punnet of magic mushrooms. You play as the titular Neo - a smurf-hued robot with a magnet for a bonce. An evil baddie bloke has taken over the world, or something, and populated it with similarly evil robots (although, I don't remember the Terminator just mincing backwards and forwards, minding his own business like the evil robots do here) and it's up to you to smash them to bits and restore order.


However, to accomplish your mission, you must utilise the aforementioned cranial magnet. How? Well, it has the ability to create positive and negative polarity fields and by creating these fields in certain places you can propel yourself off platforms, grab swinging ropes and, obviously, destroy baddies. And by reading that, and looking at the amazing graphics in the poor quality screen shots here, you be forgiven for thinking that Super Magnetic Neo was a platform fan's wet dream. Which it would be, was it not for the immense difficulty level. A wolf in sheep's clothing if ever there was one. And just to nail it in even further, Super Magnetic Neo makes MDK 2 seem like a walk in the park.

Everywhere you turn there are pits and baddies that kill you instantly with the slightest touch, and in some areas you must jump from swinging rope to swinging rope to platform to platform to swinging rope...where the polarities change and you have to get the right one...or it's game over. Hair tearingly annoying? You bet your ass.
Be afraid. Be very afraid...As such, I haven't actually got past the second world at the time of writing this guff. However, seeing as the graphics are so mind-bendingly good and the story so completely off the wall, I'm prepared to stick my neck out and recommend this to neurotics, people with pace-makers and inmates of high-security medical wards only. Have fun!








Just a few days ago, I was a wreck. A gibbering, sweating, puss-filled mess. And for once, it wasn't down to smashing in too many cans of Special Brew down the park and shouting at pigeons. No, it was down to the state of my eyes and contrary to what some may say, It had nothing to do with the Gok Wan-style goggles the cretin at Specsavers duped me into buying (left).



"Wow!" I thought - someone's written a hard hitting novel documenting the rise and meteoric fall of our favourite dead console! Just think - the intrigue! the espionage! the blood, sex and tears played out against a backdrop of hardcore business meetings and mass redundancies! DREAMCAST - A NOVEL!!!*


There is a point to my rambling on about this Bantha shit though - the price of Netto beans may have gone up by a solar system-shattering 1.5% in the last month (which has hit me hard, regardless of the contents of the last paragraph); but the meagre price of a Dreamcast game has remained constant, even in the light of Wall Street crumbling to the ground and the FTSE melting down into the sub-components of a Pot Noodle.



Like I said, it's a Tony Hawk clone with frankly superb graphics...but only 3 - yes THREE! - stages. Oh, and a rather strange back story that involves a robotic paedophile who steals kids and takes them to his magic castle for a thorough seeing to (I would imagine). Dodgy storylines aside, Razor is a fairly enjoyable game for the time it lasts - all there is to it is riding your scooter around the various (3) stages doing tricks and collecting scooter wheels. It's clearly another one of those infamous kiddie games and it's predictably easy peasy lemon (muthafuckin') squeezy, but if you have a four-year-old who loves scooters AND has a penchant for rare Dreamcast games...by all means make Razor Freestyle Scooter your next purchase.








